


Inside These Walls

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Adult Content, Angst, Drama, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-10
Updated: 2006-03-10
Packaged: 2019-02-02 12:17:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12726462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: After yet one more disastrous mission, Daniel reaches the end of his tether and decides to leave the SGC.





	Inside These Walls

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

  
Author's notes: Thanks to my Beta, Gateroller!  


* * *

~ If you love somebody, let them go,  
For if they return, they were always yours.  
And if they don't, they never were ~  
Kahlil Gibran

 

"Come on Jack, time to get up."

"What...uh...Daniel? What time is it?" Jack muttered glancing at the clock. "What the hell, oh-six-hundred, what's come over you?" Jack wondered if he was still dreaming, Daniel never got up early and at Jack's place he never got up first.

"You, mostly, then me and then you again," Daniel replied with a grin. "Woke up this morning feeling so damned sticky I just had to shower."

"God it was good last night, or was that this morning?"

"Technically both, but yeah, it was real good, Jack. Unfortunately, we've gotta put it behind us again cause we're due at the mountain for that debrief at nine o'clock."

"Behind us?" Jack grinned. "That an invite? Thought you said we had to hurry."

"Smart mouth!" Daniel said throwing Jack's boxers at his head. Laughing he ducked and the boxers sailed over the bed.

"Ya got coffee on?" Jack asked as he got up and padded to the bathroom.

"Of course," the young man replied sounding insulted.

"Sorry I asked!" Jack grinned as he rolled out of bed and headed for the bathroom. He relieved himself and took a quick shower. He hesitated as he brushed his teeth, staring at himself in the mirror and ruefully accepted it was time to become the colonel again. Sometimes he hated that man.

This was one of the worst things about their relationship; that it was only allowed to happen inside these four walls, or very occasionally inside the walls of Daniel's apartment. Once outside they returned to being Colonel Jack O'Neill and his best friend Dr. Daniel Jackson. They could be friends but nothing more because Jack was military and to make matters even more complicated, Daniel was on his team under his direct command and because of the fraternisation rules, it didn't matter that Daniel was a civilian not accountable to the 'don't ask, don't tell' indignity.

They'd just spent a really good forty-eight hours down time simply relaxing in each other's company, something they didn't get to do as often as they would like. The fight against the Goa'uld had taken a more complicated turn over the past few months causing the whole team stress. Jack and Daniel had been arguing more, both in work and at home and after a particularly bad disagreement on the last mission they had agreed to try and leave work behind and attempt to mend fences in their personal relationship. It wasn't easy to put aside the disagreements but it was something they had always had to struggle with because their philosophy of life was so divergent. It was actually quite remarkable that they were ever able to find a middle ground.

Jack was career military, his natural inclination was suspicion and to draw his weapon first. Daniel was civilian through and through, a pacifist who would naturally talk out every possible angle and who had to be persuaded originally of the need to even carry a weapon, let alone be prepared to use one. Daniel's attitude had gradually tempered Jack's natural inclination to shoot first and ask questions later and to at least allow Daniel to greet anyone they met through the Gate. Years of facing aliens, either the enemy or nervous strangers, had taught Daniel the common sense of self-protection and had turned him into a good enough soldier that his team trusted him to guard their backs.

Trouble was the kind of early missions, when they were explorers looking for allies, resources and the possibility of learning more about humanity, had been eroded in favour of allies with big guns, and more big guns and the only resources they were allowed to look for were ones that would produce technological results. Daniel was becoming less and less the archaeologist/linguist/first contact specialist and more the soldier and it was beginning to tear the team apart.

Not because they sided against Daniel in his wish to be the scientist he was supposed to be because they didn't but the powers-that-be tied their hands. They wanted to help Daniel but they couldn't and they felt guilty in their lack of ability to help. Daniel himself was feeling more and more frustrated to the point where he had thought about leaving SG1 and maybe even the SGC. The idea tore into Jack and made him even more irritable with Daniel and in the classic vicious circle scenario that made Daniel more irritable and more ill-at-ease.

They both knew what was happening but were helpless to escape their never ending circle. Daniel loved Jack but he knew he was becoming self-destructive in his anxiety and privately he'd decided he would leave before he would take Jack down with him. Jack was no fool and sensed his relationship was at risk but he also knew he could do no more than hope. He didn't have the power to change things.

Hence their promise to each other that the weekend would be just for themselves, no work, no hopeless situations. Just Jack and Daniel loving each other.

And pray it wasn't for the last time.

* * *

Watching Daniel sleeping in the next infirmary bed, Jack was afraid. Not for his health, Janet had confirmed that he would be fine. He was badly bruised and he would be limping for a while and his concussion wasn't serious. In fact, for once, Daniel had got off the lightest. Teal'c was kel'no'reeming to help his injuries heal; Sam had a puncture wound to her side and Jack himself had a dislocated shoulder and a slice across his chest that was extremely painful.

Yet, while his physical injuries were not severe, his emotional well-being had taken a severe blow. He had warned Jack from the outset that the Janiurre were not the tribe they should be negotiating with, they should still be talking to the Holsiurre. They had spent a week on that benighted planet learning about the tribal hierarchies and Jack had no doubt that he was perfectly correct.

The trouble was that while the Holsiurre were quite happy to discuss their lifestyle with the anthropologist they refused to discuss any kind of trade or treaty that would allow mining of their abundant minerals. At Jack's request Daniel had asked for permission to discuss the possibility with the Janiurre, the tribe on whose land the majority of the mines would need to be sited but the Holsiurre refused -- just as Daniel had predicted they would.

Hammond received orders from above to begin negotiations with the Janiurre anyway and Jack had been required to silence Daniel's protests. Naturally there had been raised voices and Daniel refused to take part, reminding Jack that he was the only person who could communicate with these people who spoke a derivation of Kuman. Kuman was a long lost language of a race of Turks who had invaded the Siberian Steppes many centuries ago. Daniel had picked up a smattering of the language about a year ago on another planet half a galaxy away. It was similar enough that he could communicate with these people, learning more as each day passed.

As his friend and lover Jack knew Daniel was right, he took Daniel's prediction of danger to heart but as his commanding officer under orders to act, Colonel O'Neill had told Dr. Jackson to desist and obey orders. While Daniel was more than prepared to loudly voice his opinions and objections when it came down to it, he obeyed direct orders, which was the reason he was slowly coming apart at the seams. If he could have just walked away, his life would have been so much easier.

So, they had gone to the Janiurre and Daniel had negotiated a deal that would make the tribes' life easier. Simple things that meant little to the Washington pen pushers but were worth much to the simple people of the Janiurre. In exchange the SGC could mine all the minerals it wanted.

Daniel hardly spoke to Jack or the others for the rest of the day and during the celebratory feast that night he sat quietly next to the tribal elder and across from Jack. He wouldn't meet Jack's eyes and the older man knew he had storms on his horizon but he had faith that inside their four walls everything would eventually be okay. He wasn't so sure about inside the SGC though.

In the early hours of the morning as everyone was still sleeping from the revels of the night's celebration, Daniel's warning came to pass. The Holsiurre raided the Janiurre to punish the recalcitrant tribe for daring to make an independent treaty with the outsiders. Vastly outnumbered and with no way to help, Jack had ordered SG1 to retreat to the Gate. Daniel, not surprisingly, had objected and Jack had to physically grab him and shove him ahead. What could four do against hundreds of heavily armed native warriors?

By the time they escaped the village they had all received injuries and Jack was supporting a flagging Daniel, hurt by a blow to the head. Teal'c was helping Sam, almost carrying her and when they finally reached the Gate it was up to Jack to operate the DHD. Holding Daniel against him, with his free hand he had managed to dial home and they had limped back through.

Daniel roused enough on the ramp to turn to Jack and say brokenly, "They'll all die; all of them. God, what have I done?"

* * *

Two days later they were all well enough to attend the official debriefing with General Hammond. The general had already received a quick briefing from Jack and he'd also spoken quickly and quietly to each of the other members of SG1. For once his usual brand of fatherly pep-talk hadn't helped as much as he had hoped; even Colonel O'Neill who literally laughed in the face of danger couldn't drag up a smile.

Hammond knew the cause, it was Dr. Jackson. The young man was terribly withdrawn. Dr. Fraiser had reported that physically he was very much better but psychologically he was a wreck.

Purposely waiting until everyone was seated, the Colonel and Dr. Jackson on one side of the table facing Major Carter and Teal'c, the general took his seat and asked for everyone's attention.

"People, we all know this is going to be a difficult debriefing but we also know that we cannot hold ourselves -- yourselves -- responsible for this."

There was a hollow laugh from Daniel, a sound the general had never heard before from the young archaeologist.

"Who else can we blame, sir? I negotiated that deal, knowing damned well the Holsiurre would never approve. I reported that fact but they didn't care did they? All they wanted was their precious minerals, doesn't matter that whole villages, whole races get wiped out does it?"

Sam gasped leaning forward but Teal'c placed a gentle hand on her shoulder and she glanced at him. His face was clear, still but his eyes were focused on Daniel.

He was leaning forward now, shaking off Jack's hand laid on his arm to try and calm him. "God," Daniel continued, "they are as bad the damned Goa'uld. Do you like being a murderer, General? I don't." He got to his feet, resting his hands on the table to lean closer to Hammond who sat quietly in his chair watching the young man. Jack was slumped in his chair alongside. "I can't sleep at night for seeing the faces of the people I knew in that village, men, woman and children, children damn it. How many of them do you suppose are still alive?"

"Daniel, please?" Jack said quietly.

"Please what, Jack? Please don't remind you, all of you, of our culpability in this massacre. Well, I'm sorry but I can't calmly brush it away under some euphemism such as obeying orders. Maybe you can live like that but I can't, not any more. Not any more."

Suddenly exhausted Daniel collapsed back into his chair, leaning his head on his folded arms on the table top.

Jack looked at him and then over his slumped form to the general who was watching with sympathetic eyes.

Jack was facing his greatest fear -- that Daniel was going to leave him. The trouble was everything Daniel said was true. He felt as guilty as Daniel, though he laid the blame squarely on the shoulders of the higher ups who gave him his orders. Whereas he could rationalise his culpability Daniel always felt things personally and it had been his voice, his words that had finally persuaded the Janiurre to agree to the mining. Jack also wondered how much Daniel personally blamed him too. After all Jack had ordered him to pursue the treaty, to get a deal at all costs.

Damn the pen-pushers with their heads buried in the sand. They gave orders without ever counting the cost, weighing the consequences. Even as he gave that order to Daniel he knew it was a mistake.

Unfortunately he also knew that Hammond had already questioned it and it had been confirmed so he had no choice but to give the command. Jack knew this was one of those times that Daniel would find it hard to forgive the colonel and Jack had often wondered if there would come a time when he would also be unable to separate the colonel from the man. He was afraid he might be about to discover the answer.

They'd had little opportunity to talk since they got back. Lying in side-by-side beds did not equate to lying side-by-side in bed. If they'd been at home lying in each other's arms they could talk about anything but here ...the infirmary was no place to talk. Even after they had been discharged the previous evening they had been ordered to stay on base. Jack had gone to visit Daniel in his quarters but he had refused to open his door claiming he had a headache and was going to sleep.

He was brought to the present when the general said quietly, "I do not believe any purpose would be served by continuing at this time. Would you like to ...speak to someone Dr. Jackson? You clearly have ..."

"No, I don't need help. I already know what I have to do."

_Here it comes,_ thought Jack, a knot forming in his stomach.

"I can't do this any longer. I resign, general. I'm sorry." He stood, pushing back his chair as he turned to leave.

"Dr. Jackson, if we could..." Daniel didn't turn or even acknowledge the general's words. "Dr. Jackson?"

Jack closed his eyes as he heard Daniel's footsteps walking down the metal staircase.

"Colonel?"

Jack opened his eyes and looked at Hammond. "I'm sorry, sir. This has been a long time coming. I'll try and talk to him, if he'll let me but this time..." his voice tailed off.

"DanielJackson has been hurt too many times," Teal'c said.

"And what really hurts is that we're his friends and we haven't helped him," Sam said with a shake of her head. "How many times has he been ordered to do things we all knew he didn't want to, didn't approve of? How often have we pressured him merely because we _are_ his friends?"

"We even used his humanity against him," Jack said softly.

"What?" asked Hammond, frowning.

"The man loves people; his compassion is what makes him the man he is and we use that very fact against him," Jack looked from one face to the next, holding them with his gaze. "We remind him day after day that we are fighting for the survival of the human race. We make him weigh it in the balance against each terrible thing we ask him to do. Should he allow that planet to wallow in misery because we don't have time to bother helping? Does he risk killing a few hundred to save thousands? Should he allow a village to be destroyed so we can have a mineral to turn into weapons? Each time we force him to make such a choice we take a piece of his soul."

Feeling the burn of tears behind his eyes, Jack dropped his head onto his arms, but still he spoke, "Best let him go now while he still has enough left."

"I would not wish to lose DanielJackson," Teal'c said, "but I agree with O'Neill. I have seen it coming for many months. If we care for him then we should let him go, allow him to fly free."

"He is not a prisoner here," the general was uncomfortable with the implication.

"Not of bars and locked doors but of compassion and commitment," Teal'c said.

The words bit deep into Jack because they could just as well refer to his personal relationship with Daniel. The man loved him, was committed to him out of passion and compassion. In that moment he realised, as painful as it would be, it was just as incumbent on him to release his lover as it was for the general to release his subordinate.

"Dismissed," the General said heavily.

Jack raised his head and made to stand. "Colonel, wait please." After Sam and Teal'c had gone, Hammond turned to Jack. "Colonel, please attempt to make Dr. Jackson change his mind. I understand I'm asking a lot of you, particularly as you seem to believe he has made the right decision. I can understand your point of view, he is my friend too you know but the truth is we need him."

Jack sighed, "I know but when do we consider what he needs, sir?"

"I'm sorry but his needs have to take second place to the greater good. Offer him leave, Colonel, as much as he wants. If you have to, tell him he can go on a dig, tell him anything to keep him."

"Is that the truth, sir? Please don't ask me to lie to him."

Hammond stared at Jack for a moment and any doubt he might ever have harboured that the Special Ops Colonel O'Neill still existed faded as if it were mere mist. Years in the company of a certain young idealist had forever changed the once hard, ruthless solider. Ruefully, Hammond accepted he too had been changed by association with Daniel Jackson and he would never regret that fact. Neither was he about to sully the relationship he had built with either Dr. Jackson or Colonel O'Neill.

"It is the truth, Jack." Hammond said softly and the use of his given name was not lost on Jack. The general was giving his personal word. "Offer Daniel whatever he needs if he will just stay, or at least come back when he is ready. We need him. I can't promise anything except that I will try my damndest not to place him in such a position again. It is all I can do."

"I will try, sir, because you ask. However, I doubt it will be enough. I don't want to lose him any more than you do but neither do I want to hurt him any more than I already have." He stood and nodded at his C.O.

"Just try, Jack, that's all I ask. If he'll listen to anyone it's you."

With those words ringing in his ears Jack left to look for Daniel. Hammond was more correct than he knew but it was just as true the other way around. Jack would listen to Daniel and he knew he couldn't ask Daniel to give up any more of himself, not even to save the world one more time.

How much did one man owe to the rest of humanity? The people living their lives safely because of the work done under this mountain had no idea how much they owed to this one unassuming man. He'd already suffered, given so much of himself and had never even received a simple thank you from those in power who did know how much of himself he gave.

Jack wanted to damn them all to hell for their short-sightedness. If Daniel were to leave, how many treaties might they lose because he wasn't there? While it was true that the diplomatic team followed up the contacts SG1 made, dotting the i's and crossing the T's, no one was under any illusion that it was Daniel who gave them the openings. It wasn't only knowing the languages -- though there were very few, in some cases only one person, who did know them -- it was also his unique ability to bridge differences, traditions, and ways of life that were so alien. It was his simple ability to _understand._

They had no idea what they had with the marvel that was Daniel Jackson, and that very ignorance was forcing away the most important asset of the Stargate Programme.

Jack almost felt like laughing, if he hadn't wanted to cry. He was facing losing his own marvel.

* * *

Arriving at the door of Daniel's office Jack looked carefully inside, not knowing what to expect. Daniel had given his verbal resignation to the general but he hadn't been specific, he gave no indication if it was just SG1 he was leaving or the SGC. Jack was afraid he meant the SGC as he was no longer able to face the results of any of his actions. He remembered an argument he'd had with Daniel a few weeks earlier when the younger man had declared that even sitting in his office translating bits of paper or shards of stele could result in someone's death, whether it be a Jaffa, or an alien or a member of the SGC. That had been the first time Jack had really been afraid that if Daniel did reach breaking point he would probably leave the SGC entirely and as a consequence, himself.

Standing here now Jack sadly realised it was one of those times in his life when he hated being in the Air Force, knowing that the responsibility that had become second nature to him got in the way of simply being a human being, with cares and concerns. He wanted nothing more than to walk away with Daniel, spend the rest of his life at his side but he knew he couldn't, he wouldn't do that. For good or ill his _duty_ had a strong pull on him. When he'd fallen for Daniel he felt wonderfully lucky that the young man was someone who understood what his duty entailed, who was privy to all his secrets. He could really be himself, had no need to erect a wall around himself. It was perfect.

Now it was that very duty that was pulling them apart. Daniel could no longer accept the cost while Jack was still prepared to pay the price. He couldn't blame Daniel for finally allowing his humanity to push aside the soldier the archaeologist had never wanted to be in the first place. Daniel had allowed himself to be moulded into someone he would not have become from choice. He was a scholar not a soldier but he had fought and he had killed and each time it had hurt. It was Jack who taught him, Jack who now accepted there was a price he had to pay for that too.

Daniel was sitting at his desk, staring at seemingly nothing on his blank computer screen.

"Daniel?" Jack said softly, not wanting to alarm him. He wanted to talk with Daniel not have an argument, not again, not now.

He looked up and gave Jack a smile but it was a sad, lost smile. "Jack, I'm sorry. I know we haven't had a chance to talk ..."

"We had a chance but you wouldn't take it," Jack interrupted, unable to help the hint of recrimination creeping in and Daniel had the grace to drop his gaze. "This time you don't get off so easy. I think I deserve your thoughts if nothing else, Daniel."

Raising his head again Daniel met Jack's look squarely. "I never considered any other option, Jack. Surely you know that?"

"To be honest, Daniel, I wasn't sure, not any more, not after ...this. You were so closed off, wouldn't even talk to me." He moved closer, keeping his back to the camera and spoke quietly. "I understand that you're angry with me as your C.O., but I'm also your ...friend."

With a sigh Daniel said, "I'm not angry at you. Not even the colonel," he added with a wry smile. "I'm just so tired, so sick of ..." his voice faded. He had so much to say but suddenly it seemed too much effort. He dropped his head.

"Look, not here, this place is stifling you," Jack said. "I can't simply leave yet but we can go up top. Stand on a mountain, breath in fresh air under our own sun, not one shining half a galaxy away."

Daniel gave him a distant smile and with a chill Jack realised he felt as if Daniel had already left. Was it so easy for him?

They walked side by side along the corridor to the elevator, occasionally they brushed shoulders and each time Jack looked at Daniel but he never returned the glance.

Climbing the hill above the mountain entrance Jack led the way to the lookout, a favourite vantage point over the valley below, used as a place to remember why they risked their lives over and over. They hadn't even had time to come up here much in the last few months either.

Daniel moved over to sit on the large fallen log. He was so tired and he felt a headache building. Perhaps he wasn't as recovered as he'd thought.

Jack stood looking at the white clouds lazily drifting above, yet watching his lover; Daniel knew that was only a defence, misdirection because the older man was afraid. The terrible thing was Daniel didn't know how to comfort him.

Turning slowly Jack looked at Daniel and saw the pain in the young man's eyes, pain he wanted to kiss away but he knew that wouldn't be enough, not this time. He took a breath and said, "The general asked me to speak to you and I told him I would but..."

"...that's not why you brought me up here," Daniel interrupted with a smile. "You wanted to talk to me inside our four walls but as you can't this is the next best thing. Good choice, Jack."

Jack sat down next to his lover, looking straight ahead. "You've left SG1, Daniel, I understand that but what else did you leave? The SGC?"

"I'm sorry Jack but I can't do it anymore. It's like I'm being forced to make a pact with the devil. I want to help, god knows I want to help but I can't keep choosing between the lesser of two evils. Don't you see? The lines are blurring and it's gotten so I can no longer tell if there is a correct choice. Is one evil really any less than the other?"

"Daniel, surely you know I would never..."

"I know, Jack. You wouldn't, neither would Hammond if he had a choice but neither of you do. You both follow orders and while I can't fault you for that it isn't something I can do any longer. I can't blindly follow orders I _know_ are morally or ethically wrong. Once out in the field with you I am obliged to do as you order, in an office in the SGC I would still be under Hammond's command."

"So you're leaving the SGC. You're leaving me then," Jack said quietly finally turning to look at the younger man. He wanted Daniel to see the hurt those words caused. They had always been honest with each other; he saw no reason to change now. He was hurt and he almost surprised to realise he was angry.

"I'm not leaving you Jack, I _love_ you." For the first time Daniel looked at Jack, an expression of confusion marring his features.

Jack's expression softened a little. "I know but you're not staying with me either. I know you Daniel, you can't sit home doing nothing, you have to work and whatever you chose to do you couldn't do it in Colorado Springs and I don't have the heart to try and keep you," he smiled sadly, his gut clenching. "Teal'c said you need to fly and he's right."

Daniel felt cold, so very cold. Even in summer in Colorado he felt cold. Jack's words should have warmed him but instead he felt the chill rise up his body and he wondered if the heart could actually freeze. Rising to his feet and pacing in agitation, Daniel walked to the lookout and stared beyond the horizon; Jack didn't think he was seeing the valley spread out below.

Daniel suddenly turned his face pale, his eyes huge in their sockets. "I ...I want you with me but I can't ask you to retire. Your life is here and I know that. You've spent most of your life protecting people even when they didn't know or care, how can I ask you to stop now when it's the whole world you're protecting?"

"I have thought about retirement, Daniel, more than you know but I can't do it, not yet. I still feel I'm needed here. I still believe we both are but if you don't want to stay with me..." Jack knew he was playing dirty but he hoped he could persuade Daniel to go along with the general's suggestion.

"God, Jack, I don't know what to do. I feel torn in two. I can't stay and I don't want to go. Help me," he added desperately.

This was the opening Jack had waited for. He would wedge open the door. With a soft breath, he whispered, "Would you try something for me?"

Daniel looked at him, a slight frown between his eyes.

"Hammond doesn't want you to go, you know that. He's prepared to give you a leave of absence." Daniel began to protest so Jack ploughed on quickly. "As long as you want, Daniel. You've been hanging on by your fingernails for months. Surely you can see that maybe you're not thinking very clearly. You could go away, anywhere you want. Travel, go to some of those places you complain you've never had time for during the last few years. Even go on a dig somewhere. Whatever you need to get your life back under control. Perhaps then you would think differently."

"I would never think differently about what I know to be right and wrong, Jack," he said gently.

"No, I know that but maybe you could see your ...definition more clearly," Jack suggested. Jack was forced to bend his will, his views to those of his superiors, couldn't Daniel do the same? Work from the inside. He knew this wasn't the time for that discussion though, Daniel was still too raw.

Leaning against a tree, his back to the view of the world at his feet, Daniel shook his head.

"For crying out loud, Daniel, at least think about it!" Jack huffed a breath. "The general agrees with you in principle, we all do, you know that." Now it was Jack's turn to pace and suddenly he stopped and turned. "Think on this Daniel, who will be our conscience once you're gone?"

Daniel frowned at that, "You don't need me for that, you're not always free to act on it but you all know what is right and wrong."

"It's more than just knowing Daniel, damn even Kinsey _knows_. It's making the choice, deciding to act." Jack hesitated a moment before walking over to stand in front of Daniel. "I'm not the same man you met all those years ago and that's your fault. Don't you know how much you influence people?" Daniel winced and Jack realised that had been a stupid thing to say. He hurried on. "You've made so much difference to so many people. Made us look at things from a different viewpoint; see the other side of the equation. A few years ago I wouldn't even have considered there was another viewpoint other than my own. Don't you see we need you? _I_ need you. Those dickheads in Washington need you more than they'll ever understand."

"Jack, please," Daniel said, holding his hands out in front of him. He didn't think he could take any more just at that moment. "Let me think on it, all right?"

Jack sighed and nodded, taking in Daniel's defensive stance. "All right, I just don't want to lose you, not from the SGC and most certainly not from my life. I...I..." Jack stepped back not wanting to push the younger man any more, afraid if he pushed as hard as he really wanted to he would only succeed in pushing him farther away. He wanted him to feel able to come back. "If you must go ...know we want you back. Me? I'll be waiting, not patiently and," he shrugged deprecatingly, "not well either."

~~~

Jack walked Daniel back to his car in the parking lot.

"You don't want me to come home with you?" Jack asked already knowing the answer.

"Not this time, Jack," he smiled. "If you were with me I couldn't think."

Jack smiled back, keeping quiet when he wanted to tell Daniel that he was afraid of his lover's thoughts and perhaps now was the ideal time to _not_ think. Instead he watched in silence as Daniel drove away down the winding mountain road.

He knew Daniel would be back, probably the next day to collect whatever he wanted from his office and his quarters on base. Also knowing the archaeologist he would have some kind of formal letter for the general.

In his rear view mirror Daniel saw Jack watching, knowing from his stance how tense the colonel was.

He meant it when he told Jack that he loved him and didn't want to leave him but he admitted that Jack was also correct. When he left the SGC he couldn't just sit around in Colorado Springs. He didn't know exactly what he would do, or rather perhaps what he could do. He had rather burned his bridges with his infamous presentation all those years ago and he had never been allowed to prove to the world that he had been right all along. The proof of his theory and everything he'd learned since was tied up with the Stargate and was just about the most top secret enigma on the entire planet.

Go away anywhere you want, Hammond suggested, travel wherever you want. It sounded so easy. He could afford it, they paid him well and he was hardly ever there to spend much of it but where could he go?

He knew he couldn't stay in the Springs. No matter what Jack said Daniel was sure he wouldn't give up trying to get him to return. Daniel was under no illusion, Jack loved him and when he got over his initial reaction of worrying over Daniel he would latch onto his own feelings, the most powerful of which would be anger.

In point of fact Daniel had been surprised that Jack had kept so calm, thinking part of the reason he wanted to take him up to the mountain top was so he could speak openly, honestly and passionately. He had been open, more honest than Daniel might have expected but the passion had been held under tight control.

The last thing Daniel wanted was to part from Jack with words of anger or recrimination. He hadn't said anything to Jack because truthfully he was afraid to see the doubt, the uncertainty in Jack's eyes but he didn't expect to be able to return to the SGC. To make matters worse, while Jack was still a serving officer they couldn't live together openly as a couple even if he could've stayed in Colorado Springs. The only future Daniel could see for them was after Jack had finally retired. Then he could return to be with Jack. Even if the then ex-soldier didn't want to travel the world with him as he worked on digs, he could perhaps teach. Or if Jack insisted on living in his cabin by the lake in Minnesota, Daniel could probably turn to writing. Daniel had plans, dreams for the future but he had no idea what the timescale for such a future would be. Or if Jack was prepared to wait however long it was.

He had said he would be waiting, not patiently and Daniel remembered with a wry smile, not well but would that still be true if the war dragged on and he stayed with the SGC for longer than either of them hoped? Would Jack's love fade and die with his absence? Would he perhaps find someone else, someone who was there by his side and to whom he could turn for support?

_Could I stay away that long? Take that risk?_

So many questions and no answers.

Daniel parked his car and went upstairs to his apartment. He had to stop worrying about what the future might bring and decide what to do with his present. He needed a plan now, a destination and a job. He needed to find a dig. There were many options out there. Some were closed to him because of the debacle of his presentation. Okay, forget anything to do with Egypt. He'd had enough of that anyway! There were innumerable other civilisations to investigate. Digs the world over. He still had many contacts, okay a few who didn't consider him persona-non-gratis.

First things first. Coffee and the net to do a search. See what and who was out there.

Two hours later he hit pay dirt.

"Ilya Pedrovski, my god! Ilya," he said with a soft smile as he studied the website on the excavation taking place on the site of the ancient Illyrian city of Amantia in Albania. There was a small picture in the top right hand corner of the home page showing the smiling face of a man about forty years old. Dr. Ilya Pedrovski still sported a full head of hair so black as to be almost blue and dark eyes that sparkled with a fascination for the world around him. The fact that the world he was really interested in was two thousand years old did not detract from his love of people in the present day who shared his passion. He had been extremely popular when he had taken the young introverted Daniel Jackson under his wing, dragging him into his inner circle.

Daniel's mind drifted back to those days of excitement filled with a yearning for knowledge that couldn't be assuaged. Ilya had made him see there was more than just learning from books and lectures, maps and drawings. He showed him about life and people and made him understand that as an anthropologist he needed to make time to understand the reality of what he was learning.

Ilya had a passion for life that Daniel had rarely seen since and it suddenly hit him that here was exactly what he needed.

There was a contact email address for the leader of the expedition, so with a growing excitement Daniel sent him a message.

* * *

Next morning Jack was finishing a lecture to some new recruits about the importance of detailed intelligence when an SF approached him with orders to report to the general's office.

Some sixth sense told him this had something to do with Daniel and he hurried to comply with Hammond's instructions. He thought he'd have seen Daniel around before this but his office was empty when Jack had arrived early that morning and he hadn't put in an appearance at the commissary for breakfast either. Half-expecting Daniel to be present he was disappointed to see only the general in his office.

"Sit down, Jack," the general said and the familiarity halted Jack halfway to his seat. He suddenly felt a shiver of disquiet.

"Sir?"

"I have received an emailed communication from Dr. Jackson."

"Emailed?" queried Jack incredulously.

"Yes. He has accepted my offer of a leave of absence for a period of six months. He has also included a letter of resignation post-dated six months from today. He states that he will give fair consideration to returning but goes on to say that as he cannot see anything changing knowing the politics of the situation, he doesn't want us to have any expectations."

"Damn, damn him!" Jack growled angrily. He hadn't expected this. He'd recognised now that he'd hoped for one more chance to stop Daniel from leaving. He realised at that moment he'd made a fatal error in not convincing Daniel that he should have gone home with him last evening. _I should've tried harder, shouldn't have given up so easily. Treating him as if he were made of glass!_ He began to rise, "Just wait until I..."

"Jack it's too late, he's gone. His message states he has obtained a post on a dig in Europe. He flew out early this morning."

Jack slumped back in his chair feeling as if he had been gut punched. He'd not even said good-bye, he had just left. He couldn't believe it. _Why, for crying out loud, why?_

"Where, sir, where in Europe?"

"He doesn't say. He mentions he will be in touch from time to time."

A rage began a slow boil in Jack's gut. He had stood back to allow Daniel time to come to terms with his problem, he hadn't pushed wanting Daniel to give him the signal when he was ready for Jack to help pick up the pieces. But this... he felt as if he had been betrayed.

Hammond watching saw the emotions flicker across Jack's face and he knew the man well enough to understand what he was feeling, though he was a little surprised at the intensity of the anger he witnessed.

"He must have had his reasons, Jack. Daniel was never one to act without thinking things through."

"Which only makes this so much worse," Jack ground out. "We were ...friends, George, good friends and he never even bothered to say goodbye. I don't understand."

"Have you checked your emails this morning? You probably have a message too."

Jack's head snapped up, "With your permission, sir?"

Hammond nodded and Jack hurried out. It hardly compared to the kind of goodbye Jack had really wanted but at least it may explain things.

Reaching his office, he quickly sat down and clicked onto his email programme. Sure enough there it was.

_Jack,_

_Sorry to do it like this but I think maybe it is for the best after all._

_I have the opportunity to go on a dig being run by a colleague, an old friend. It is just what I need and I hope you understand that I wanted to get away quickly._

_Not from you, please believe me. Maybe a little from the colonel because I think he would want to try again to stop me leaving and I couldn't face that. Not now. Please understand and forgive me._

_I will be in touch with more details very soon. I will be thinking of you all the time._

_Give my regards to Sam and Teal'c. I will miss them._

_I'll miss you too and I will remember being inside those four walls._

_Daniel_

It wasn't quite enough but it was something. The last line with his little coded reference to their being together was as near as Daniel could get in an email at the SGC to saying _I love you._

_If you love me why couldn't you say goodbye properly? Why sneak away like a thief in the night?_

* * *

Jack lifted his head at the sound of the tattoo on his office door.

"Who is it?"

The door opened and Carter stuck her head around, "Me sir," she smiled carefully at him. "I heard you may have got a message from Daniel?"

Arching his brow, he asked, "Heard from whom, Major?"

"Teal'c." At first Jack thought she was simply answering his question but as Teal'c moved into the office he realised she was calling in her co-conspirator.

"I informed MajorCarter," Teal'c said solemnly. "I heard of the possibility from the general."

"Ah," Jack said, waving Carter to a seat. Teal'c stood behind her chair managing to look as relaxed as he ever did and yet still appearing to be on guard. "I was just reading his email. Not exactly informative." He was aware how he sounded but he couldn't help it and these two knew him well enough to see through him anyway.

"You are annoyed that he did not return to say goodbye in person?" Teal'c asked.

"Damn right! I don't know what the hell he was thinking."

"Is there a message for us? I've already checked my email and there's nothing," Carter asked, sounding as upset as Jack was angry.

"He sends you his regards and asked me to tell you he will miss you both," he said.

"Is that all?" She was incredulous.

"Yep, he just says he had to leave quickly. He didn't want anyone trying to get him to stay. Apparently he's got a place with a dig somewhere in Europe, let us know details later."

"I don't understand," said a puzzled Carter, craning her head to try and see his computer screen.

"The message was personal and you do not wish us to see," Teal's said, placing a gentle hand on Carter's shoulder. Jack glanced at Teal'c, not a little surprised at the gentle tone of his voice. The big man met his gaze steadily and the knowing expression made the heat rise up Jack's neck. _He knows, god damn he knows!_ A flutter of fear ran through his stomach until he realised that Teal'c's expression was one of understanding not disapproval.

Carter was talking blithely unaware of the undercurrent of tension between the two men. "I know he was unhappy but would it really have hurt to say goodbye, it could be months before we see him again."

"If we see him again," Jack said sadly.

"What? I thought he took a leave of absence," said Carter frowning.

"He did, six months but he also left a letter of resignation post dated for six months."

"He wished to leave us a message, a warning? What will you do, O'Neill?"

"Do? What can I do? I can't force him to come back any more than I could force him to stay."

"Did you try?" Teal'c was voice was sharp, cutting.

Jack raised an eyebrow, a copy of Teal'c's own trademark gesture. "No, I didn't. I _asked_ him, he knows we all wanted him to stay. The choice has to be his. Besides, weren't you the one who thought he should leave?"

"I believe he needed to step back and decide what matters most, what is really important to him. He has become trapped by his own need to always do the right thing. Sometimes there _is_ no right thing." Teal'c took a step towards Jack and added, "As for a choice, sometimes a ...loved one can limit the choice if it is for the best."

Carter looked between the two men finally realising there was a conversation going on that she wasn't privy to.

"Are you suggesting I should have ...coerced his co-operation? Don't think so, Teal'c. That would have guaranteed he'd never come back, you know how damned stubborn he can be."

"And you think letting him go without resistance will _guarantee_ his return? Perhaps he doesn't appreciate how much he is wanted."

"Oh, I think it safe to say he knows exactly how much he's wanted," Jack said bitterly.

"Then we must consider our options to persuade him to return when sufficient time has passed for his emotional recovery."

Jack said nothing, staring at the message on his computer screen.

"Sounds like a plan," Carter said far too cheerily.

* * *

Daniel stood on the rim of the ancient stadium, his eyes following the tiers of seats as they fell into the arena below. Off to his left they were excavating the remains of a fort and not too far away were the ruins of a temple that was believed to have been dedicated to Aphrodite. The city had covered the site since about the third century BC and had influences from both the ancient Roman and Greek cultures. It wasn't until about the third century AD that it had finally been abandoned, by which time it had been a Christian settlement. It would take years of painstaking work to uncover the whole site.

It had been a long time since Daniel had stood on a site like this and still been on Earth. It felt odd not to be wearing BDUs and know that Jack, Sam and Teal'c were not standing at his back, literally and figuratively. He felt both bereft and oddly free. With a figurative shrug of his shoulders he pushed such thoughts away. They were too painful and always segued from thoughts of SG1 to thoughts of his lover, Jack. He missed him so much and it wasn't helped by the guilt he felt for not even saying goodbye to his face. At the time it had seemed the best solution, to slip away and send him a message, now it just felt cowardly. He knew how upset and angry Jack would be and Daniel knew he had every right. He was going to write to him and try to explain, apologise and ask his forgiveness.

Daniel was concerned about putting his feelings in writing though, not because he was ashamed of them, god no. He was proud of his love for Jack and inordinately grateful to be loved in return. Perhaps he had simply become paranoid after years in Jack's company but he didn't know who -- if anyone -- might have access to Jack's mail. He had an idea, there was a language that no-one outside the SGC knew, and even inside until recently only three people had really studied it. He, Jack and Teal'c had to learn the language of the Ancients during the time-loop to enable the machine to be turned off. Jack enjoyed reminding him of the fact that they had taught each other those words and even though he would never admit it, Daniel knew Jack had been proud of his ability to speak and write a long dead language. Daniel was positive that if he wrote to Jack in Ancient he would still be able to read and translate it.

He had arrived the evening before after travelling for what seemed like days. Flitting across the universe in the blink of an eye made for a very unfavourable comparison with about twenty-four hours to fly half-way around his home planet.

"Daniel!" Ilya called to him with his oddly inflected accent. It didn't matter how long the man had lived in the West, he'd never lost the accent of his home in the eastern part of Russia. His ancestors were of Tartar stock, hence his dark exotic looks. "You look as if you have never seen an archaeological dig before!" he laughed, the sound rumbling from his stomach and bubbling up and between his lips.

Daniel smiled; he'd forgotten how infectious that laugh was. He'd also forgotten how Ilya's whole face lit up, his eyes sparkling like black diamonds.

"I wonder my young friend, what have you been doing these last years since you disappeared so dramatically from the sight of your colleagues."

"Please Ilya, I told you when you replied to me that I wanted to forget my past for a while. I just want to ...return to my roots. Just give me a trowel and point me at a trench and I will happily dig along with the others."

"Oh, no," the Russian grinned. "Do you think I would waste a talent such as yours? Now you are here you will work for your bread. We have just uncovered a sealed door that we think leads to another chamber under the temple complex. I need a supervisor and you are it. I have a delicious feeling about what we might find and I don't want any ambitious young archaeologist taking short cuts. You will look after it for me, no?"

"Another chamber, one you didn't know about? Show me, this sounds really exciting," said Daniel, fire in his eyes for the first time since he had arrived. He clambered over the lip of the excavation and hurried down the rise towards the temple area.

A few days later Ilya was watching Daniel as he ate lunch in the mess tent with some of the others, excitedly waving his hand about and talking animatedly. The doctor smiled to see the change in him and he was delighted to have found the key to unlock the cage in which his old friend had hidden his persona.

When he'd received Daniel's email from out of the blue he had been delighted but when he saw his old friend he had been concerned by the expression in his eyes and the forlorn aura that surrounded him. Daniel had always been full of fire and he could still remember being bowled over by the passion he found hidden inside the quiet, studious young man he met at University. He had felt justifiably proud that he had been able to free the fire and let it blaze. Now somehow, someone had caused it to be banked. He was determined to let it lose to rage free again. This was a good first step.

He had another possible step in mind though he didn't have as much confidence that he would be successful there. While he had been disquieted by Daniel's attitude, Ilya was thrilled by his appearance. Gone was the too-thin, untidy young man who never cared what he looked like. In his place was a man at home inside his own skin who carried himself with an unconscious grace. He had filled out in all the right places, his muscles obvious even under the casual, smart clothes he wore. His hair was a shade darker now, and cut in a modern short style that beautifully suited his bone structure, making him look even more handsome. Ilya had desired the young Daniel, he was positively panting over the man he had become.

The young Daniel was never quite as naïve as some had thought him to be. He'd always known of Ilya's interest in him and when it was obvious that the older man was at last going to broach the subject, Daniel quietly told him that he appreciated his interest but he didn't think of Ilya in that way. He was a friend, a good friend and Daniel wanted to keep that friendship intact.

Sadly, the Russian accepted Daniel's decision. It had hurt for a while because Daniel wasn't averse to a gay relationship, he just didn't want one with Ilya. Then he realised that Daniel wasn't seeing anyone and one night after a few drinks he asked Daniel why he was celibate. Daniel had laughed and said he wasn't celibate; he just didn't want a relationship which he knew would have developed if he began anything with Ilya. In the end Ilya accepted that all they could be was friends but he hoped that perhaps sometime in the future Daniel's feelings might change.

It was not to be however. After gaining his qualifications Daniel was off back to Egypt and then to other sites and Universities all over the world. Though they did run into each other again on a couple of occasions they just seemed to pass like ships in the night without any physical contact. Then after the debacle of his lecture, Daniel had mysteriously disappeared until that email.

Whatever had happened Ilya had a presentiment that it was a personal problem, nothing at all to do with whatever had happened to him professionally. He couldn't help but wonder what had put such a depth of sadness in his friend's eyes and suddenly he wanted to meet whoever it was just so he could give that person reason to look sad. With a flash of jealousy Ilya realised that he never even questioned that it was another man and he decided this may finally be his chance to be more than a just a friend to Daniel Jackson.

* * *

Daniel was tired but it was a good tired, not caused by stress or worrying over his friends. His lover. This was physical exhaustion from digging with the rest of the team trying to unearth the base of the door and then finally force it open after centuries of disuse. It was excitement at finding not just another room but an antechamber with more mysteries beyond to solve.

He was on his way to a private dinner with Ilya. One of the perks of being expedition leader was that Ilya had a large tent to himself where they could have a quiet meal on their own. Even though he felt too tired to socialise Daniel didn't feel he could refuse his friend again. He'd cried off the night before and Ilya was clearly disappointed so when he repeated the invitation earlier Daniel didn't have the heart to say no. Besides, they had lots to talk about and it would stop him obsessing over missing Jack. His dreams over the last few nights had been full of his lover but each time he reached to hold him, Jack disappeared like an Irish mist. Daniel tried not to read anything into those dreams but it was obviously his subconscious acting out his own secret fear that he might lose Jack.

The choice of food on the dig was not very varied, they took it in turns to cook and mostly it was something that could be prepared quickly and easily. Yani, the team's geologist had prepared the meal tonight and she cheerfully told them it was based on a recipe she had picked up while working on the Giant's Causeway in Ireland.

Daniel was in the tent when she was explaining this to Ilya and had been dragged in as a taster. One mouthful was enough for him to declare it was unlike any other Irish stew he'd ever tasted for which his reward was a slap from Yani's ladle. He jumped and laughed and Ilya told him quietly it was wonderful to see him laugh again. Daniel felt an unaccountable guilt that he was enjoying himself without Jack and he wondered if the older man was still angry at him.

Ilya watched Daniel's expression as the laugh faded, angry at himself for speaking without thinking. He'd learned enough in the last few days to realise that the younger man was haunted by something in his past. He decided he would use their meal to try and make the young man talk; Daniel needed to exorcise his demons. Of course it would also help Ilya understand what was going on inside the archaeologist's mind, help him find a way under the fence the young man had built around himself.

Lifting the tent flap a fraction Daniel called out to see if it was all right for him to enter and Ilya told him to come on in. He was a little surprised to see the folding table covered with a white cloth and a candle stuck in a bottle in the centre of the table.

"What's this?" he asked bemused.

"As near as I can get to a restaurant without driving into town," he answered with a grin. "Sit and I will serve Yani's stew; at least the bread is excellent as is the butter. And this," he said picking up a bottle, "is excellent vodka."

"Vodka with our meal?"

"Trust me; it will improve the stew immeasurably!"

Daniel laughed and Ilya found himself mesmerised by the sudden light in his eyes. He determined to put that light there again as often as possible. He suddenly wondered if Daniel kept his eyes open or closed when he was coming. Ilya's mouth went dry at the thought and he quickly sloshed some drink in his glass and gulped it down.

"Ilya, slow down, we haven't even had a bite yet!"

"Getting a head start in numbing my taste buds," he quickly replied. He sloshed some more Vodka in his own glass and filled one for Daniel. "A toast!" he exclaimed raising his glass, "To the return of old friends."

Complying, Daniel had a sudden vision of the last time he had raised his glass in salute. It had been last Christmas when Jack had produced a bottle of JackDaniel's saying they should never toast each other with anything else. He tossed back his drink swallowing convulsively as it burned down his throat, telling himself it was the drink that brought tears to his eyes.

The stew was in fact better than when Daniel had acted as taster, Yani must have added more seasoning or something. Ilya was right about the bread, it was perfect, crusty on the outside and soft but not doughy on the inside and the butter was creamily delicious. Daniel was a little surprised to see the stew pot empty and he raised his glass in a toast to Yani.

Ilya kept refilling the glasses, not quite filling his own as much as he did Daniel's, distracting him by telling funny stories about some of the younger members of the dig team.

It didn't take Daniel long to realise he was a little tipsy, it had been a while since he'd had Vodka and drinking it with a Russian was ...was... He giggled when he couldn't think of the word he wanted.

"What?" Ilya asked grinning.

"I'm a linguist!"

"Well, yes." Ilya frowned.

"So why am I speechless?"

"But you're not..."

Now it was Daniel's turn to frown, he couldn't remember how this started. With a shrug he raised his glass and took a swig.

They talked and drank, laughed and toasted anything and everything. At first Ilya kept the talk about the dig and the new friends that Daniel had made, with an occasional reference to some old mutual acquaintances until the younger man was happy and mellow, then he carefully turned the conversation.

"It's a shame some of your old friends turned on you because of your ideas. Whether we agree or not, it's not sufficient reason to kick a friend when he is down."

Daniel smiled sadly, "That's water under the bridge now Ilya, that was a long time ago."

Nodding, he said gently, "I thought perhaps it was something more personal that was upsetting you."

"Personal? Maybe but not in the way you mean." Daniel dropped his eyes. Reaching for the bottle he refilled his glass.

"I see the pain in your eyes, Daniel. That kind of sadness doesn't come from professional disagreements; it comes from the heart not the mind. Someone has hurt you badly. A ...lover? Betrayed you, left you?" Ilya reached out offering silent support by placing his hand over Daniel's which was lying listlessly on the table top.

"No, no, Jack didn't hurt me ...he'd never do that. He didn't want me to go. No, I ...I left him!" In his befuddled mind Daniel was taken aback, shocked by the truth of those stark words. _I left Jack! Walked out without even a goodbye!_

So he had been right, it was a man. Daniel was upset, he could use this. Adopting a sympathetic smile, Ilya said, "He must have done something to make you want to leave him."

"Want to? I didn't want to!"

Daniel was maudlin now, "I miss him, so much," he dropped his head onto his folded arms wondering if he would ever see Jack again. He was muttering something in a language the other man didn't recognise.

Ilya was confused but whatever had happened Daniel was here and this ...this Jack was thousands of miles away and Daniel needed comfort, a shoulder to cry on. He wondered what kind of fool this man was to let a prize like Daniel slip through his fingers.

He moved round the table and put his hands on Daniel's shoulders, squeezing gently. "It's all right, Daniel. I'm sorry for ever bringing it up. Please forgive me," he said leaning down to put his arms around Daniel's shoulders and speaking very close to his ear. "It will be all right you're not alone. I'm here and you know I care about you. I always have."

Daniel looked up then, directly into those mesmerising black eyes of the Russian and saw only caring and understanding.

"Come," he said softly pulling the distraught man to his feet and tenderly wrapping him up in his arms. "Everything will be fine, you'll see," he murmured against his ear.

"S'not fair, always ...lose 'em," Daniel murmured gruffly against Ilya's shoulder. "Taken from me ...each time, why? Can't keep those I love. Why? Always alone ... don't I deserve more?"

Ilya knew the alcohol had lowered the young man's defences and he should feel lousy for treating his friend this way but Daniel needed this ...as much as he did. Once he understood... Daniel would forgive him.

"You're not alone, Danya," he said, stroking up and down his back.

"It's been a long time since you called me that," Daniel said softly. Ilya wasn't to know that Daniel was thinking of all the nicknames that Jack called him.

"Of course you deserve more," Ilya went on as if Daniel hadn't spoken. "You deserve so much, let me show you..." He moved his head slightly and kissed along Daniel's neck, slowly moving from his ear towards his jaw.

Daniel muttered and arched a little at the sensation, turning towards the other man seeking out warmth. He had felt cold since his talk with Jack on the mountaintop and he'd wondered if he would ever feel warm again. As Ilya's mouth came down on his, Daniel was flooded with warmth and longing and he gripped Ilya's shoulders and pulled the man closer. Ilya was overjoyed and crushed Daniel to him, forcing the other man's lips apart and pushing his tongue inside. His arms snaked around Daniel, one hand sliding through his hair as the other cupped his buttocks and lifted him into the Russian's embrace.

Daniel welcomed the invasion of his mouth and the pressure of hands on his body. He could feel the erection pressing into his thigh and he almost sobbed into the kiss as he realised how much he'd missed this, how much he needed it. He lifted a hand to caress the beloved face and it was only as he felt the skin, the coarser texture, the heavier beard did it register. With a shock he realised the kiss tasted wrong, the body pressing against him was heavier, the scent was too musky. _Oh god, what am I doing?_

"Danya, Danya," Ilya murmured as he released Daniel's mouth and peppered kisses along his jaw and neck. "I've wanted you for so long, so long."

"No, Ilya, no," Daniel said, pushing the other man away.

"Danya?" he murmured reaching for the young man again.

Daniel held up his hands to ward off the other man. "No, Ilya. I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea. Had too much to drink," he added ruefully. "Jack always said I was a cheap date."

"I see," Ilya said calmly but inside he was seething, his stomach churning. Jack again, damn the man. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. You know how I feel about you, always have."

"I know and I'm grateful that you care. You are my friend Ilya," Daniel said softly. It was what he didn't say that Ilya heard _...but I don't love you._

"Perhaps I should let you get to bed and sleep it off," he said with a smile plastered on his face. Ilya gave in with a good grace but he hadn't given up.

* * *

Waking up, Jack automatically reached over for Daniel only to feel the emptiness in his gut when yet again all he felt were cold sheets.

It had been two weeks since Daniel had left and as yet he'd not heard a word since that email. He knew that Carter could probably track him down via the net if he asked her but he wouldn't. Daniel would be in touch when he wanted and Jack pushing wouldn't help. He wasn't a patient man and every morning the first thing he did now was check his mail.

Rolling out of bed Jack grabbed his robe and padded down the stairs to see if there was anything for him today. As soon as he saw the thick envelope with the oh-so-familiar writing he left everything else and hurried back up to his bedroom. It was only as he sat on the bed that he realised where he was. Smiling, he tore open the envelope sighing with relief at the prospect of reading Daniel's letter.

He was puzzled to find that Daniel hadn't written to him in English and then Jack grinned when he realised it was the Ancient's language. Obviously Jack's prudence regarding security had a lasting effect on Daniel and Jack was actually impressed that he had considered the possibility that maybe the NID would be keeping an eye on him. Any letters they intercepted of a romantic nature from another man would be bad; from Daniel it would be disastrous. If Hammond found out about them he'd probably allow Jack to quietly retire, if the NID reported him the general would have no option but to order a court martial and the odds were Jack would end up behind bars. The USAF officer was quietly grateful for his lover's consideration.

The annoying thing however was that he didn't have time to translate the letter before he left for the mountain. He was due to ship out on a mission today and he doubted he would have any spare time before he left. This was his first mission with a temporarily re-worked SG1. He wanted to keep to just the three of them but Hammond wouldn't allow that. He'd pointed out that besides the fact they had no idea if Daniel would even come back, six months was a long time. He insisted Jack choose a fourth or he would choose one for him. Jack still wanted an anthropologist in the position, he was so used to working with the format and for him it worked. He didn't tell the general he didn't know if that would still apply for someone who wasn't Daniel.

Hurrying up with his morning ablutions he prepared some toast and coffee and sat down at his kitchen table to at least translate the opening lines of Daniel's letter.

_Jack_

_I hope by now you have it in your heart to forgive me for the way I left._

Reading that Jack knew he could forgive him anything if only he would come back. His thoughts were interrupted as his watch buzzed a reminder it was time to leave.

He drove to base thinking on that first sentence and the second one where Daniel spoke of feeling safe surrounded only by archaeologists and geologists and of being taken under the wing of his old friend, Ilya.

He knew there was no slight intended in Daniel's comment about feeling safe, realising that he was referring to his frame of mind. He was back in what had for a long time been his natural setting, back in a world where he should feel secure and at home. Jack hoped it would help him come to terms with his concerns but he also worried that it would tempt him to stay in that world.

Also Jack couldn't help but wonder exactly how old this old friend was. Then he was angry at himself for such petty jealousy. Daniel hadn't gone away because there was any trouble with their personal relationship; he hadn't gone looking for someone else to be with. _Doesn't mean he won't be tempted, Jack's inner voice chided._

Exiting the elevator he almost walked into Carter and deciding fate was giving him a push, he said, "Just the person, major."

"Yes sir?"

"Finally heard from Daniel," he began.

"Wonderful, is he all right? Where is he?"

"Carter!"

"Sorry sir."

He smiled at her enthusiasm. "I've not read much yet but I know where he is. I want you to look it up for me on the net. We should have time before we leave."

They'd reached his office by now and he led the way in, Carter quickly moving to his computer and powering it up. Taking out the letter he quickly wrote down the name of the site as given by Daniel at the top of his letter.

"Albania," Carter said raising her eyebrows. She did a quick search and soon found information on the dig and then linked to the official home page.

While she read through the quick history of the area, Jack's eyes were glued to the picture in the top left corner of the Expedition Leader, Dr Ilya Pedrovski. Jack guessed the man was maybe three or four years younger than he was and to Jack's eyes he was devastatingly good looking. Old friend, Daniel had called him and unbidden the vision came to his mind of Daniel smiling into those dark eyes as he leaned in to kiss those full lips. Had Daniel run to an old friend for support or an old lover for comfort?

Jack was immediately contrite for his errant thoughts. He trusted Daniel, if this Ilya was more than a friend he would tell him.

Then he remembered the letter, there was so much he hadn't translated yet and Jack's gut clenched at what he might find.

He looked back at the screen to see that Carter had changed the pages and she was saying something about a temple and a fort.

"...I'm sure he must be having the time of his life, sir. Just what he needs to get back on an even keel."

"Er, yeah, sure," he answered.

She looked at him and he stared at the screen as if he was studying something. He kept seeing the sparkling eyes of Ilya Pedrovski.

"I'm sorry, sir but it is almost time for the briefing and you're still not in uniform," she reminded him.

Snapping out of his fugue he nodded at Carter and leaving her to close down his computer, he went to get changed.

It wasn't until late that night, sitting in his tent, the one he used to share with Daniel and which he refused to share with anyone else, that he could finally read the rest of the letter.

_Jack, I love you and already I miss you so much._

_Please Jack, just give me time, time to decide what I really want. I gave the general that letter of resignation because I felt it only fair not to keep him guessing indefinitely. I gave myself a time limit too._

_I have dreams of a future for us but I don't know if it is one you will want -- my dreams are for after you retire. I had more time to think on the long trip over here and I know I was just afraid of what you might say. I know now I should have spoken to you of them anyway and I'm sorry for my lack of faith. If you decide to stay with the AF I will wait for you._

_Whatever I do about the SGC I * am * coming back to you, if you still want me._

_Yours always,_

_Daniel_

Jack was at once relieved and annoyed; relieved that Daniel loved him and wanted him and annoyed that he had kept so much to himself. He had dreams of their future? Didn't he realise that Jack had such dreams too? Okay he realised, he hadn't discussed them with Daniel but he was sure he wouldn't have just walked away without talking about them either.

He read the last line again. _If you still want me._ If he still wanted him? He would always want Daniel and he sighed with relief that Daniel would come back to him, eventually.

It seemed clear now that Daniel was only waiting for the time when Jack retired and he wondered how he really felt about that. As he'd told Daniel during their talk he had thought about retirement but it had always been on the horizon, some uncertain time to come. Now he knew that if retirement was the only way to make Daniel happy he'd talk to him about it as soon as he came back.

He liked thinking like that, not _if_ but _when_ he came back.

"It is time for your patrol, O'Neill," Teal'c spoke quietly outside his tent.

He folded the letter and put it away carefully. He would reply to Daniel when he returned home in three days.

As he began his patrol he wondered if Hammond would object if he visited Albania on his next leave.

* * *

Daniel had been working on the dig for a month now and he was disappointed that he'd not yet had a reply to his letter to Jack. The colonel should've received it a couple of weeks ago and surely there had been nothing in it to anger him.

Perhaps it had been intercepted and he never got it. The thought was scary but no more so than Jack not replying because he didn't want to.

He tried to ignore his real fear ...that Jack wasn't able to reply because something was wrong. He told himself it could be something simple, such as he was stuck on base and hadn't seen his mail at home but two weeks was somewhat long for that. Unless there was a quarantine?

There had been one time they'd been stuck on base for six weeks when one of the teams had brought something back.

What about a foothold situation? That was possible. Or an invasion? God he could be hurt, or dead. The world could be facing Armageddon and here he was cheerfully digging in the dirt, searching for a history that may disappear overnight.

Or his greatest fear, that SG1 was in danger on a mission. It was bad enough worrying about Jack on his own but his other friends could be at risk too. He had travelled with them for four years and they had faced every danger possible, more than once. They could be prisoners, slaves, being tortured, addicted, lost unable to get back. Dead.

Would Hammond let him know if anything happened? Surely he would. Jack would've given him Daniel's present location, of that he was positive. Yes, he would be told so in this case the old saying was true, no news was good news. He just had to patient, Jack would write as soon as he was able. He would.

He had to concentrate on what he was doing now. Ilya was being very precise about his work, keeping a close eye on him. He also had a habit of keeping a close hand on him too which irritated Daniel but he had no wish to spoil the atmosphere and as long as that was all he did Daniel decided he would keep quiet.

It had started after their dinner that evening when Daniel had let Ilya kiss him and he accepted some culpability for Ilya's assumption since that he didn't mind the little touches. Truth was the only person Daniel had ever allowed to take such liberties had been Jack but it was so much part of Jack's nature that he had slipped under Daniel's radar before he realised it. Anyone else touching him had always made him uncomfortable. It had even taken a little while to get used to Sha're's casual touches.

They had made quite a bit of progress with the rooms under the temple. They'd uncovered two rooms, one of which had been filled with jars of varying sizes. It was assumed they were used for storage of various oils, unguents, perhaps even wine and water. The second room Daniel found was a library, filled with tall jars in which there were scrolls of various lengths. So far he had not allowed any to be removed as he was unsure if the change in atmosphere would damage them. Ilya had been in perfect agreement suggesting they needed an archaeologist who specialised in paper preservation. Surprisingly the scrolls were not vellum as might be expected from the time period.

Climbing down the steep ladder in the trench he heard the voices of Alena and Piotr, two young archaeologists who had been a great help to him. They were too young to know of his fall from grace and treated him with great respect for his obvious knowledge and skill. He felt as happy as he could feel without Jack and his surrogate family working with these two excited young people under the soil of Albania.

They had a lot of work to do today, there were signs of yet another room beyond the library and he was as excited as they were at what they might find. It was proving to be more interesting below ground than the ruins of the actual temple above.

A few hours later, Ilya came on one of his regular visits to check on progress. The two young archaeologists were working in the far corner and after giving them a quick nod, he gave Daniel his full attention. As usual he moved up closely behind Daniel and leaned over his shoulder to look at the bits of pottery he was studying and comparing with the list Alena had made. He placed a hand on Daniel's shoulder as if needing the support but of course he didn't. Daniel tried to ignore it and then slowly his fingers began to slide up his neck in a gentle caress.

"Ilya, please!"

"What?" he asked absently. He knew exactly what he was doing and hoped Daniel would like it. His reaction was not what he wished.

"Please don't do that, you know I never liked being touched."

He frowned, "I have been ...touching you for weeks."

"I know and I have tried to ignore it but this is too much. Please."

Stung, he removed his hand. "Sorry, I will remember not to touch again," he said cuttingly.

Knowing he'd upset the other man, Daniel said quietly, one eye on his assistants, "It's partly my fault. I should've said something before but ...after I allowed you to kiss me I ...well I let it go on too long."

"I see," Ilya replied, turning to leave. "I'll see you at dinner."

_Damn, now he is upset again._

"Daniel!" Alena's excited voice interrupted his uncomfortable thoughts.

* * *

Jack fought his way back to consciousness through a thick suffocating fog. He heard odd pinging sounds, beeps and ... voices? Was that ...Daniel?

"Colonel, can you hear me? You're safe, in the infirmary."

What was he doing in the infirmary? He couldn't remember.

"Inf'm'ry?" he croaked and Janet lifted his head to dribble water between dry lips.

"Yes, colonel, you're hurt but you will be fine," Doc Fraiser said firmly.

"Fine? Daniel?" He tried to open his eyes but the light hurt.

"Er, no sir, not Daniel. He wasn't with you, remember? The rest of the team are okay too. Sam is in the next bed, broken leg. Teal'c is performing kel'no'reem and Dr Oakley has just been discharged to a VIP room. You came off worst this time."

He listened to most of her words with only half an ear. Daniel wasn't with us. Of course, he was in Albania. Safe from marauding natives with spears and clubs.

"How long?" he asked.

"Since you were brought back through? Three days. You had quite a concussion there. You have two broken ribs and a lot of colourful bruises but you will be out of here soon enough."

Three days. Already the supposed four day mission had extended to seven when they had to move further away from the Gate to avoid the natives. It hadn't done them much good because the natives were convinced they were spawn of the devil sent through his dark eye to ravish their world. They hounded SG1 for days and each of them had been wounded and it was finally only thanks to SG2 and SG3 coming to their rescue that they had escaped.

It would probably be another day or so before Fraiser released him and then he would have to brief the general and write a full report. He would much rather be writing a letter to Daniel ...the letter, where was the letter?

"Doc?" he called his voice still hoarse.

"Yes, colonel," she said, offering him another drink which he took gratefully.

"My things, where are my clothes?"

"Your clothes? They were a mess, they were disposed of."

"I had an envelope in the pocket, what'd you do with that?"

"An envelope? I didn't see any envelope. I think it was Grant who cut them off you, perhaps he..."

"Sir," interrupted Carter, "I overheard. I think Teal'c took an envelope from Grant, said he would keep it safe for you."

Jack closed his eyes in relief, till he remembered that Teal'c could read Ancient. Would he read a private letter? He must know it was from Daniel and Teal'c had a particular partiality for the man. He could still remember the tension between himself and the Jaffa when Teal'c thought Jack hadn't tried hard enough to keep Daniel from leaving.

"Doc, could you send someone to ask Teal'c to come and see me when he's finished his kel'no'reem?"

* * *

He should have known that Teal'c would never read private mail. He recognised the writing on the envelope and, as Jack believed, he had suspicions about the relationship between the two men.

"The envelope had become wet and was useless for protecting the contents," Teal'c said, "and on transferring the letter to a new envelope for safe-keeping until you were released from the infirmary, I saw the Ancient's writing." He gave Jack a long look before he continued, "I could see no other reason why DanielJackson would write to you in such an enigmatic manner." He didn't speak the reason aloud but Jack knew it merely added to his earlier suspicion about the relationship between the two of them.

Jack hadn't needed to confirm anything with words; his look had been all that Teal'c needed. He handed over the letter with a slight bow.

"You will reply?" Teal'c couched it as a question but Jack knew better.

"I would've done it already if those damned natives hadn't kept us running around in circles for seven days!"

"I would be grateful if you would include my best wishes for his speedy return."

"I'll tell him you miss him but I don't want to push him until he is ready."

Teal'c cocked his head to one side for a second, locking eyes with Jack before he said, "I understand, O'Neill." He turned and walked away.

Jack decided to wait until he was home before writing back to Daniel; he wanted to concentrate in peace to translate his reply in the Ancient's language.

He thought carefully about what he wanted to say. He wasn't very good at writing letters, didn't get much practice lately. He certainly couldn't write a love letter, Sarah had complained every year of their married life about his lack of romanticism. He grinned at the idea of writing a 'romantic' letter to Daniel anyway.

_Daniel_

_I was furious when I discovered you left without saying goodbye but as soon as I calmed down -- you know me -- I understood. I'll show you how I feel when you come home. You ask me to give you time and I will but I hope it won't be too long; I already miss you so damn much._

_I'm glad you feel safe back in your old stamping ground and I trust your old friend is looking out for you._

_Yes, love, you should've talked to me about your dreams then I could have told you about mine. Did you really think I wasn't dreaming of the day we could finally be together, no more hiding, no more secrets?_

_When you finally come home we will talk, I mean really talk -- for me to say that, you gotta know how serious I am!_

_Not patiently and not well but I'll be waiting just the same,_

_Jack_

He really wanted to say more about Ilya, ask questions about their history, if they had been just friends or ...something more but how could he ask that without Daniel thinking he didn't trust him. Then it hit him. Why was he having these thoughts, was it because perhaps he didn't trust him? _No, no, I do, I know he would never do that to me._ It was just natural fear talking, he realised. He nodded to himself.

He addressed the envelope carefully and went to post it. As he held the envelope poised over the post box, he hoped it wouldn't be long before he heard from Daniel again. Truth was he was lonely; his bed was cold and empty. Even though he was never able to spend every night with Daniel he couldn't seem to remember a time now when Daniel hadn't been wrapped around him, warming his very being. With a sigh he released the envelope.

* * *

Alena nudged Piotr, "See I told you, something is really worrying him," she said glancing over at Daniel.

"Yeah, he does look sad just the way he did when he first arrived. Thought he'd got past that."

"Overheard him talking to Ilya yesterday evening. Apparently he's been expecting a letter for the past couple of months but it's never arrived. He was wondering if he should write again but the good doctor told him he shouldn't do that, told him he should wait for his friend to contact him."

"Huh, that doesn't surprise me one bit, got his eye on Daniel for himself."

"What?" Alena was surprised; surely he wasn't suggesting what she thought he was. "Ilya and...and Daniel?"

"Don't tell me you haven't noticed, Ilya can't keep his hands off Daniel," he looked around quickly making sure Daniel was still across the room out of hearing range. "It's no secret which way Ilya leans. I was talking to Daniel the other day and he asked me when the mail was due next. He knows it's only weekly but I think he just needed to talk to someone, you know? He mentioned he was waiting for a letter from his friend Jack."

Alena frowned puzzled. "So?"

"God Alena, get your head back into the twenty-first century ...his _friend_ Jack. Ilya has competition and he doesn't like it."

"Oh!" Alena said wide-eyed. She glanced at Daniel before saying quietly, "Ilya got the mail this morning; guess there was nothing from Daniel's friend again. Love is a bitch regardless of gender."

* * *

Ilya knew Daniel was down in the trench so the Russian slipped into his tent and plucked the stolen envelope from his pocket. He'd been looking out for this for weeks, ever since Daniel had told him that he'd written to his Jack. He had begun to think that he had been worrying unnecessarily and the letter was never going to arrive anyway. Then that morning at last there was an envelope for the archaeologist. He wasn't sure it was from Jack but he wasn't taking any chances.

Tying his tent flap to ensure a little privacy; everyone knew better than to bother him when he fastened the ties. He carefully opened the envelope in case it wasn't from Jack; he was sure he could re-seal it anyway.

He looked at the well-formed writing, he reckoned he could tell a lot from the way a person formed letters. Then he realised he could not read the words. He knew quite a few languages, nowhere near as many as Daniel of course. At first glance he thought it might have been Latin but it wasn't. His eye quickly tracked to the signature -- Jack. So it was from Daniel's friend. He didn't know why but he hadn't expected Jack to be a scholar, something about the way Daniel spoke of him didn't lead Ilya to think of him as such yet he had no evidence of any kind to say who or what Jack was. Daniel may have mentioned his name quite a few times but he had said next to nothing about the man. He found himself unexpectedly intrigued by the faceless man who wrote so precisely in this strange language. Daniel hadn't even described him, not mentioned so much as his age, or his surname. The more he thought about it, the more mysterious it seemed.

Now he had the letter he was unsure what to do with it. Should he destroy it? Probably he thought but he felt loathe to do that. Yet if he left it around and by some terrible act of fate Daniel found it then it would ruin any chance he had with the young man. He looked at the candle burning in the empty vodka bottle on his dining table, he could burn it and then there would be no proof a letter had ever even existed. He took the folded sheet of paper and held it over the candle for a second but pulled it back. He couldn't destroy it though he wasn't sure why. He smiled at the idea that maybe it was the archaeologist in him coming to the fore. He pulled his pack from under the cot and slipped the folder letter inside his journal and put it at the bottom of the holdall before sliding it back under his camp bed.

* * *

That evening after he'd eaten dinner with the others in the mess tent, Daniel returned to his tent where he was ostensibly recording details in his dig journal but he was actually sitting and staring off into the distance wondering what to do about the non-appearance of a reply from Jack. He was really worried but kept telling himself it couldn't be anything too serious or General Hammond would have been in touch. The problem with that was it left the alternative that Jack hadn't written on purpose yet he couldn't believe that Jack didn't want him back. He was convinced that Jack loved him -- he'd certainly showed that he did the last time they'd made love. God that had been the morning they left on that last disastrous mission.

He'd been considering writing again, excusing Jack, thinking there could be any number of reasons why he hadn't written but Ilya kept telling him he oughtn't to do that, he shouldn't be -- in Ilya's words -- chasing the man. What Ilya didn't understand, because Daniel had never told him, was the depth of the relationship between the two men. Neither had he told Ilya of the problems of their relationship purely because of Jack's career. He finally decided to stop listening to the overbearing Russian who still seemed to want to treat him as the same introverted, uncertain young man of his college days. He would write to Jack again.

Naturally he wondered about using the telephone but again he didn't want to call Jack at the mountain and he was uncertain of the risks of contacting him at home. If the letter had gone missing because of unseen forces, then perhaps his telephone could also be bugged. Again he thought that he was rather paranoid but it wasn't a risk he was prepared to take.

He considered the possibility of emailing him but he was sick of technology, he just wanted to use words. Language was important to him and he found the idea of Jack and him writing letters to each other in the old fashioned way romantic. He thought perhaps it would be comforting to receive letters written by in Jack's own hand, on paper touched by his lover. Communication of a more visceral kind than the ephemeral nature of emails.

The following morning he put his letter in the small basket left in the mess tent for anyone wanting to send mail. Once a week the mail was taken to town, usually by Ilya. Daniel saw Yani putting a letter in the basket too and asked her when it was due to go out again and she told him it wouldn't be for a few days as Ilya had been once that week. He sighed, disappointed at the delay and briefly considered asking to borrow the jeep which was the only transport the team had but he quashed the idea because once again it would mean explaining to Ilya and he didn't relish that.

Unfortunately, he didn't see Ilya watching through the slightly open flap of the mess tent. Later, after everyone had eaten breakfast and gone off to the various parts of the dig, Ilya searched through the few pieces of mail to find the one in Daniel's writing. He noted the full name of Jack O'Neill and an address in Colorado Springs in the United States. There was nothing special in either the name or the address from which to draw any conclusions. He slipped the letter inside his pocket, planning to put it with the other one in his pack.

* * *

Jack couldn't understand why he hadn't had a reply from Daniel. It had been almost a month since he has posted his letter. For crying out loud, Daniel could've had his letter and replied in less than a week, half a world away or not, no matter how much he was enjoying himself digging in the dirt. For all of two minutes he wondered why Daniel hadn't simply called then he realised if he was careful enough to write to him in a kind of code he wouldn't bother attempting to telephone him if he didn't think he could say anything much other than hello and goodbye!

He came to a decision. Carter was working on a project with the Tok'ra and Teal'c had already asked him if he had any objections to the Jaffa visiting his son, Ry'ac to which he'd said of course not.

"Are you considering taking a trip of your own, O'Neill?"

"Getting psychic there, big guy?"

"Second sight is not necessary when one has good first sight. It is clear to one who knows you that you are no longer able to keep your impatience under control."

Jack sighed, "Yep, I am fed up of waiting. I'm going to see the general and take some leave."

* * *

Ilya had seen how quiet Daniel had been at dinner, in fact he had been withdrawn all day ever since the post had arrived that morning and there still hadn't been a letter from his friend, Jack. Ilya felt a twinge of guilt for the look of sadness on Daniel's face but he quashed it with the thought of his plans for that evening. He had hoped to get Daniel to eat dinner with him alone but he'd refused, saying he wouldn't be good company. Ilya hadn't pressed him at the time, planning for a second chance later. In the end he decided to eat dinner with everyone else and to try and tempt Daniel with a game of chess later. Daniel was very good and rarely lost a game to anyone else; Ilya was better and Daniel always wanted to beat him.

Yani, who had developed quite a good relationship with Daniel, had a calming effect on the young man. She was presently talking to him about the experiences she and her husband had gone through when they'd been involved with the some investigations in the oil fields in the Middle East and they had to be rescued by some American troops.

"Oh, Daniel, to listen to Yani tell it, they were seconds away from death and these heroic soldiers saved their lives."

"Well, yes, I will tell it like that because that's how it was. There are times, Ilya..."

"Yani, Yani, don't badmouth the boss."

She harrumphed at that and turned her back on him.

He shrugged and turned to a bemused Daniel. "Care to try and beat me at chess?"

Daniel's eyes narrowed and he smiled slowly. "A challenge eh? Set 'em up."

"The set's in my tent." He watched as Daniel hesitated for a second and he quickly said, "Something wrong, Daniel?"

"No, of course not. Let's go."

On entering the tent Ilya went straight to his foot locker and removed the chess set. He also brought back a bottle of vodka and a couple of glasses. He put them all on the table. Daniel eyed the vodka but didn't say anything. They set up the board and sat either side of the table.

"Drink?" Ilya asked but Daniel shook his head so Ilya just poured himself one before putting the bottle down on his side of the table.

They played a few moves before anyone spoke and then Ilya said carefully and with just enough concern, "Sorry that your letter didn't arrive again this morning, maybe next week."

Daniel froze for a moment before he said, "I don't understand why it's taking so long. He must be ...caught up in something. His work is very ...involved. I am sure he'll write when he can."

"Involved? What exactly does he do?"

"I'm sorry but I can't answer that."

"Can't answer," Ilya raised an eyebrow, "what on earth does that mean?"

"It means his work is classified."

"Classified? I see. Dangerous?" Ilya was not only interested he was intrigued. Who exactly was this Jack O'Neill?

"Sometimes," Daniel replied softly.

"You're worried about him, afraid for him. I hadn't realised before," Ilya hesitated a moment, pouring himself another glass and he half-filled one for Daniel too. Pushing it towards him, he said, "Sorry I was so ...off hand about him, I didn't understand how much he means to you."

Daniel raised his eyes, a little surprised at the understanding in his voice and Ilya's expression was open and caring.

"Thanks," Daniel said, absently picking up the glass and drinking the vodka.

Ilya made his next move and sipped his vodka, watching Daniel carefully.

"Where did you meet?" he asked, making the question casual, almost an afterthought.

Daniel hesitated, thinking how best to answer. He thought it would be easier to tell him something rather than nothing. "I was employed as a ...consultant and we worked together for a long time."

"Did your job come to an end?"

Daniel looked agitated; he obviously didn't like answering questions about Jack. More and more mysterious, Ilya thought as poured them both another drink. "Your move," he said smiling and sat back comfortably.

They continued to play and they talked and before Daniel realised it, he was talking about Jack. Oh, nothing about their work, just about the two of them. Ilya was quite aware that Daniel was speaking to himself as much as he was to the Russian as he explained how much he loved and relied on Jack. He smiled, obviously looking inward, as he spoke about his lover who was about as alpha as they come, yet who would succumb to Daniel's wishes with an indulgent grin.

"You miss him don't you?" Ilya suddenly said.

Daniel turned to him and Ilya was stunned at the look in his eyes. "I'm so lonely," he said gruffly.

"There's no need to be, you know that," Ilya said softly, reaching out to take Daniel's hand.

"Don't Ilya, I told you I love Jack."

"But he's not here; you've not even heard a word from him since you arrived. Are you really so sure he loves you, that he wants you?"

Daniel closed his eyes against the other man's voice. Ilya was putting Daniel's fears into harsh words.

Ilya saw the despair in the dropped chin, the hunch of the shoulders and he stood and moved next to Daniel. "How can you put your trust in a man who simply abandons you at the first sign of a problem? Something has been eating at you. I remember what you said, you know," he added crouching down to try and see Daniel's face.

"What I said?" Daniel asked raising his head a little.

"That you couldn't keep those you love and that you were always alone," Ilya paraphrased Daniel's own words back at him. Daniel dropped his eyes again. "You don't have to be alone. I care for you, more than you know," Ilya added, reaching out to take Daniel's hands. "Please Danya, let me love you?"

He pulled Daniel to his feet and wrapped his arms around him, softly caressing his back through his thin shirt. Ilya was murmuring words to him, speaking of caring and of always being there. Telling Daniel he need never be alone, that he'd cared for Daniel since the day they'd met.

Daniel was bereft; he had so missed the touch of another human being, someone who cared for him. He missed Jack, missed knowing he was always there, reliable and larger than life. He leaned into the embrace of the other man allowing himself to feel for the first time in almost three months. Ilya leaned in and kissed him gently just below the ear and Daniel automatically bent his neck giving Ilya better access. He moaned at the feeling of the warm tongue laving his skin.

Ilya pulled away Daniel's collar and kissed his shoulder, nipping at the tender skin.

For a moment Daniel allowed himself to believe it was Jack but of course it felt different and his heart contracted at the knowledge. He knew he should push the man away, this was wrong but his touch was electric, lighting fire across his nerves and he felt like a rag doll in his large hands. Daniel shuddered as Ilya's teeth grazed his pulse point and as if that was a signal Ilya suddenly lost control. The Russian yanked at Daniel's shirt tearing it as buttons flew across the tent and his mouth latched onto one of Daniel's nipples and he gasped as Ilya pushed him back down onto the table brushing aside the chess board and knocking over the half-empty bottle of vodka.

Daniel was confused, he wanted the sensation. Wanted to be needed, cared for, desired and loved. He looked up and saw a pair of dark eyes boring into him, sparkling with desire and he smiled to see the silver hair shining in the candle light. He reached up to caress the hair, murmuring, "Love you, love you."

Ilya stilled for a moment, realising that Daniel wasn't really with him and for a moment he was angry but he quashed it instead deciding to give Daniel the ride of his life so any comparison would pale.

As Ilya leaned over to kiss him, Daniel's fantasy faded as the light changed and the silver hair was simply black again. Daniel almost cried as he came to his senses and turned away from the kiss. Instead Ilya reached to fumble with his belt and suddenly Daniel became aware of what was happening and struggled against the Russian, pushing his hands from his waist.

"No, Ilya, no."

"You want it, little Danya. You want to feel me move against you, want me to kiss and caress you. Make you burn, make you fly," he whispered against Daniel's ear.

The words caressed his mind and his cock filled. Ilya felt it against his thigh and finally possessed Daniel's mouth and after a second, with a sob low in his throat, Daniel responded.

"Bed," Ilya said, pulling him to his feet but at the word Daniel's expression altered and before he could change his mind, Ilya quickly leaned in for another kiss while slipping a hand down the front of Daniel's pants and taking his straining erection in his hand, rubbing his thumb over the head as his fingers moved up and down the length. As Daniel panted and moaned at the feelings flooding him, Ilya manoeuvred him to the cot along the side of his tent. Daniel seemed lost now in the sensations and Ilya quickly removed the young man's pants and boxers and shrugged off his own clothes. He didn't bother to remove the remnants of Daniel's shirt.

He lay down carefully beside him, hands wondering all over Daniel's body, never allowing the younger man to think, making him simply feel. "God, Danya, you're beautiful, even more beautiful than I thought."

Daniel's hand reached out and stilled his movements. "He used to tell me that," he said in a soft, sad voice. "Don't talk Ilya, just touch me. Let me know I'm still alive, that I've not faded away."

* * *

Waking up, Daniel wondered why his mouth felt like sandpaper and his head full of cotton wool. He tried to open his eyes but they were so heavy. He was also far too warm and he attempted to move the heavy bedding from his chest. When his hand made contact he realised with sharp pain in his chest that it wasn't bedding; his eyes flew open at the touch of warm skin. He quickly closed them again as the light seemed way too bright.

In that split second he'd seen enough for his memories to roll over him and he was immediately ashamed, followed by a cold anger. Then as the memories become clearer his anger was as much at himself as Ilya. It was true he was upset that the Russian had taken advantage of his emotional state but he clearly remembered accepting the embraces and the kisses with abandon. He might excuse himself with the fact that while Ilya had taken his body his mind had been wholly with Jack. He had imagined it was Jack he was holding, Jack he was kissing and Jack who finally took his body and gave him such bliss.

Yet he remembered it had been Ilya's hands on his skin, making him burn for more, he remembered kissing him back with fervour, licking and biting his way across the other man's chest. He remembered Ilya's slick fingers pushing inside him and to his shame he remembered begging Ilya to take him. He could still feel the powerful thrusts and the moment he came crying out in ecstasy. He had called no name aloud but in his mind he had wanted it to be Jack. Did that excuse him? He doubted Jack would see it that way.

He moved, intending to rise and feeling the familiar ache in his buttocks he was flooded with humiliation, his heart was aching. He'd betrayed the man he loved. For a few minutes of warmth in another's arms, for a second's bliss he had ruined the most important relationship of his life. He remembered telling Ilya that he was always alone, asking if he didn't deserve more. He knew the answer now, he deserved to be alone. He wasn't worthy of anyone's trust.

"Morning, Danya," Ilya's voice floated to him from far away.

"Don't call me that, Ilya," the archaeologist retorted sharply.

"You are angry with me, did I not make you feel good, forget your pain for a while? You were willing enough last night, Dany ...Daniel."

"I was ...upset last night and you knew it. You took advantage of me and before you say it, I know that sounds melodramatic, doesn't make it any less true. I'd never had done that if I'd been thinking clearly. I betrayed Jack."

"Jack! All you talk about is Jack!" Ilya made the name sound like a curse. He jumped out of the cot and turned to look down on Daniel, still sitting on the edge of the mattress. "Well your precious Jack is not here, he let you go. He doesn't want you anymore," Ilya snapped but on seeing the distress on Daniel's face he took a breath to calm himself. He hunkered down in front of the younger man. "I want you, Daniel. Don't you see? You're free now to find love again."

Daniel jumped to his feet. "You tricked me last night. People in love don't need to resort to games."

"I know and I'm sorry. You were so caught up, trapped in your own misery I wanted to show you that you didn't have to be. Last night was wonderful and I want to make love with you again."

"That wasn't making love; that was fucking!"

"I see," Ilya said coldly, hurt by Daniel's rejection. "Obviously this is not the time to discuss it."

"No." Daniel hurriedly pulled his clothes on, throwing aside the torn shirt. "I'm going to work."

* * *

Daniel threw himself into his work trying desperately to take his mind off the night before. He didn't want to think about what he had done but more importantly he didn't want to think about how he would tell Jack. There was no question that he would, however. He could never lie to his lover, not even about his betrayal. He honestly didn't know how Jack would react. The older man had a jealous nature and worked hard to keep it under control but Daniel had never before given him real cause to be jealous. Daniel was sure he would be angry but he wasn't sure if Jack would ever forgive him and if his thoughtless precipitate behaviour ended their relationship, Daniel would never forgive himself.

He was grateful that they were finally about to break into the next room. The procedure was delicate and needed all his attention. Alena and Piotr were excited because Daniel believed this was the main chamber to this underground complex.

Just then the sound of an engine filtered through from above and Piotr glanced at Alena.

"I didn't know Ilya had left this morning," he commented.

"He hasn't," Alena replied with a shrug. "Someone must be visiting."

"It's not time for the three monthly inspection is it?"

"No, that's not for about two weeks," Alena said.

"If you could keep your mind on what we're doing," Daniel said grumpily as he continued to carefully scrape the accumulated dirt from the edges of the large slab of stone that he was convinced was covering the entrance.

Piotr raised his eyebrows at Alena. They had already discussed Daniel's irritability this morning and neither of them could think of any reason for it.

"Daniel, would you come up please," Ilya's voice drifted down.

"What the... damn, not now, Ilya!"

"You have a visitor," Ilya said with an odd inflection in his voice and Daniel frowned.

"Visitor?" Daniel asked, his voice cracking a little as he suddenly realised what it was that he heard in Ilya's voice. A mixture of apprehension and excitement; triumph and trepidation. Emotions that Daniel himself was feeling in spades.

* * *

Jack finally saw the dirt road leading to the excavation site. It seemed further out of town than he thought and he was beginning to wonder if he could've missed it. He gunned the jeep, excited at finally seeing Daniel after so long. Hammond had been happy to approve his leave and asked him to let Daniel know how much he was missed. Jack shook the general's hand with promises to tell Daniel how much everyone wanted him back.

He saw another four wheel drive vehicle parked next to a large tent and pulled up alongside it. He climbed out and looked around. He could see two men standing on the top of a small mound in the distance and as he watched they moved behind a low broken wall. Neither man was Daniel. He could hear a radio in the large tent alongside and he was about to enter and try to find someone who might know where Daniel was. The prospect of seeing his lover had butterflies dancing merrily in his stomach.

Ilya had heard the vehicle pull up and wondered who it could be. Pulling on his jacket he moved out of his tent and stood looking at the stranger who had his back to him scanning the horizon. He was a tall man, over six feet, long of leg with an easy stance. He was dressed casually in dark grey pants, with a leather jacket and he turned as if to walk into the mess tent.

"Can I help you?" Ilya called and the man turned around.

The stranger reached up and removed his shades. The motion was easy and seemed practiced as did the smile that lit up his whole face, eyes sparkling with mirth. Ilya knew in that moment exactly who this was and he was surprised at the immediate effect, the magnetism of the man. His silver hair glowed in the morning sun and he looked fit, his tanned skin testament to a healthy lifestyle. The Russian had expected Jack O'Neill to be of a similar age to Daniel and this man was older than he was.

"I hope so," he said easily as he moved towards Ilya. While he seemed relaxed, casual, Ilya knew better. This man was sizing him up. "I'm looking for Dr. Daniel Jackson."

"Ah, Daniel and who might you be?"

"I'm a friend, a close friend of his," he said, holding out his hand. "O'Neill, Jack O'Neill."

"Pedrovski, Ilya Pedrovski. I'm the expedition leader, Mr O'Neill." Ilya returned the firm handshake, sensing the strength of the man; not in his hand but in his eyes. "Yes, it is easy to ...like Daniel is it not? Remarkable young man. I have known him for over fifteen years now."

Jack just nodded, keeping his expression open and clear while inside his gut was churning. There was something about this man that simply didn't feel right and his alarm bells were ringing.

"Is he around?" Jack asked not answering the unspoken question of the Russian.

"Yes, I will call him." The man smiled and Jack got the impression of a cobra waiting to strike.

Jack stood back just below the lip of the trench inside which Daniel was working, allowing Ilya to call him up. The first time he heard Daniel's voice his heart beat faster and he began to sweat, the second time he heard his voice he was puzzled, there was trepidation in the tone. Daniel wouldn't be expecting anyone else would he? Surely Daniel would be pleased to see him.

Moving forward a little, Jack waited impatiently for his first glimpse of his lover.

Climbing the ladder Daniel didn't know how he felt. This time yesterday the prospect of seeing Jack again was all that kept him going. Today, he was mortified, ashamed to face him, afraid the man he loved would turn away from him in disgust.

Ilya looked down at Daniel's bowed head as he slowly climbed upwards and the Russian could guess the thoughts running through his head. The timing of this visit from Daniel's lover couldn't be better. Daniel was still wallowing in self-pity and shame. Daniel had changed in many ways from the young man he'd met all those years ago but his sense of morality was as strong as ever and Ilya knew he wouldn't be able to keep the truth from Jack. He would confess his betrayal -- his word after all -- and take whatever penalty Jack decreed and based on Daniel's own expectation, Jack wouldn't forgive him.

And Ilya would be there to pick up the pieces.

"Daniel," Jack said softly and with such feeling that Ilya looked at him but the other man only had eyes for the archaeologist who lifted his eyes at the sound of the voice.

Finally hearing the voice Daniel looked up and for a second his fears vanished, swamped by love and tenderness. He smiled and his expression took Ilya's breath away. He'd never seen Daniel look more beautiful and the fact that someone else had put that look on his face was like a knife in the gut for the Russian.

Daniel stood directly in front of Jack and felt his fingers itching to touch but long practice kept his hands at his sides. "Jack," he said softly.

Jack looked at Daniel, pleased to see he looked fit and healthy. He had obviously been working hard and it had done him good, gone was the pale almost grey tint to his skin that had been there the last few weeks before he had left the SGC. However, when Jack looked into his eyes he knew something was wrong. When he had first seen Jack his eyes had sparkled with joy and then slowly they clouded and he dipped his eyes and raised them again; it meant that he was forcing himself to meet Jack's gaze. What was wrong? Was this something to do with why he hadn't written?

Whatever it was he wanted to talk to Daniel in private, most certainly away from this Ilya.

"Can we go somewhere and talk?" he asked quietly, ignoring the Russian as if he simply wasn't there.

"My tent?" Daniel suggested, not that he cared where; he was dreading the conversation.

"Come for a ride instead?" Jack asked with a smile, indicating the jeep with a nod of his head.

"Sure," agreed Daniel, turning to walk with him. Daniel was actually relieved they would be away from the site and away from Ilya.

"Got a room to open down there, Daniel," Ilya said, determined to break up this nice little reunion. He wasn't going to be ignored.

Daniel slowed and almost stopped when Jack spoke up, "It's waited for two thousand years, another hour isn't going to matter." He took a light hold of Daniel's bicep and they moved to the jeep, not even looking back.

Jack climbed behind the wheel and Daniel sat carefully in the passenger seat. Jack had no intention of starting anything in sight of the Russian. He didn't trust the man one iota; couldn't explain why but his instincts had always stood him in good stead and he had no reason to doubt them now. Though he was honest enough to admit that the guy being a Russian didn't help; he'd never liked the Russians and never trusted them on principle.

Alena looked at Piotr as the two men walked away. "Wow, no wonder Daniel was missing his Jack. What a package!"

"Ilya is not happy," Piotr smiled. "Daniel only needed one look at his Jack and he never even saw Ilya."

"Not only that but he managed to shut up the great Pedrovski. I like him!"

* * *

Jack drove away from the excavation site and a couple of miles back towards the town where he remembered a cut off near a small copse.

He parked and sat, simply revelling in the presence of the man he'd missed for three whole months. It took only a few seconds for the tension coming off Daniel in waves to spoil his moment.

Turning he reached out for the younger man and for a second he thought Daniel wasn't going to allow the embrace and then suddenly he leaned forward and melted into Jack's arms with a deep sigh of contentment.

"What is it Daniel?" he asked softly, his breath ghosting over Daniel's neck and he shivered so Jack pressed his lips to the same spot and was surprised when Daniel pulled away from the kiss. "Daniel?"

"I... You might not want to kiss me after I...after I tell you."

"I knew there was something, I could feel it," Jack said and Daniel dropped his head. "But can we start at the beginning. Why didn't you answer my letter?"

"What!" Daniel exclaimed turning to look at Jack, his surprise evident in his expression. "I wrote to you twice and I never had a reply!"

Jack stared at him, his eyes hardening.

"I swear, Jack," Daniel said quietly.

"I received one letter a couple of weeks after you left, telling me where you were and asking me to forgive you for running out on me. I wrote back telling you I had ...eventually," Jack's voice softened and he lifted a hand to caress Daniel's cheek. "I also told you I have my dreams too and we should talk."

"You suggested we should talk?" Daniel smiled, till he realised, "I never got that letter. I waited and waited and finally I wrote to you again about a month ago."

"Did you mail it yourself?" Jack asked thoughtfully.

"No, it had to be taken into...No!" He stopped eyes wide. "Ilya! He saw to all the mail, collecting it from the post office in town and taking ours to be sent out. Damn him. The bastard! He ....oh!" He ducked his head again.

"What?" Jack waited. "Daniel, what?" he repeated when the young man kept silent.

"He ...wanted me, he always has," Daniel began slowly, the words gathering pace as he spoke. "I told him no. I told him years ago that I didn't think of him like that, I thought it was over with. It didn't take him long to discover I had someone," he smiled at Jack for a moment. "I didn't need to keep it a secret here, I couldn't stop talking about you, they all ...knew." He turned away and stared through the windshield.

His voice quiet and controlled, Daniel continued. "As the days dragged into weeks and I didn't hear anything I ...I was lonely. It was all right during the days, I was so busy. In the evenings I usually ate in the mess tent and for a while it was okay, there are good people here, Jack. Other times I wasn't good company, I used to let my fears swamp me. Not hearing from you I was afraid, thought maybe you... Anyway, Ilya..."

Listening, Jack suddenly knew what was coming and he felt his stomach twist at the idea of that bastard touching his lover. Even more he hated what he'd done to Daniel in stealing their mail, the only link they had while they were half a world apart. He didn't need ...he didn't _want_ to hear it.

"Daniel," he interjected hoarsely. "It's all right, I..."

"No," Daniel interrupted firmly, holding Jack's gaze. He wasn't going to shirk from this. "It's not all right. I'm sorry, so damn sorry and I'll understand if you can't forgive me. I ...I had sex with Ilya." He closed his eyes but quickly re-opened them, "I let him fuck me."

Jack closed his eyes. He thought he was prepared, knew what was coming but to actually hear Daniel say the words. It cut into him and suddenly he had to get out, he was stifling inside the vehicle.

As Jack scrambled out of the jeep virtually slamming the door behind him, Daniel was sure it was over. He'd done the one thing Jack couldn't take, wouldn't be able to forgive and he felt the tears slide slowly down his face.

Jack thought he would throw up. The bastard, the fucking bastard! He'd manipulated Daniel knowing damn well how emotionally fragile he was. The Russian had known him for years and must have realised just how difficult it was for Daniel to form friendships let alone relationships. Jack suspected it had been even more difficult for him when Ilya first knew him.

The Russian had purposely taken away his only support, cut the legs from under him.

Being honest he also admitted he was disappointed that Daniel had given in to such pressure when his determination in the face of terrible odds was what had kept them all alive on more than one occasion. That was until he realised Daniel always put others before himself. His determination had always been to help or protect his friends, even strangers on distant worlds on some occasions. This time it was only for himself and Daniel Jackson never thought he was worthy of consideration, not even from himself.

Jack was assailed by a sudden vision of that man holding Daniel down, ploughing into him, Daniel's face wearing the same grimace of pleasure Jack saw when he was making love to him. He turned back then to look at Daniel, and for a moment he was filled with such rage. How could he have done it? Dear god, how could he...

Then the fantasy vision faded and he really saw Daniel, only just realising he was still in the car and that he hadn't followed Jack outside. Jack saw he was sitting as still as a statue, the only movement being the tears glistening as they made tracks down his face. Suddenly Jack realised he hadn't said a word to Daniel after his confession, having bolted from the car in shock.

He moved swiftly around to the passenger side and opened the door.

"Daniel," he said quietly but the young man didn't move, didn't acknowledge him. Jack reached in and touched his arm, "Daniel, it's all right, I'm here. I'm here, look at me." Jack shook his arm.

Daniel heard Jack as if from a long way off and then felt the heat of his hand searing his arm. He slowly turned his head and saw Jack looking at him with concern and the dam broke. "I'm sorry ...so sorry ...sorry," he murmured brokenly.

"Hush," Jack said pulling Daniel into his arms. "I love you, it's all right. Hush."

"You ...love me? Even after...what I did? I thought you'd hate me."

"I could never hate you. I'm ...hurt, disappointed," he admitted. "I can't deny I feel ...injured, used." Jack hesitated, trying to get a grip on his anger as it came bubbling up. _Damn but I could kill that fucking Ruski shit_. "There is something I need to know, Daniel; how often, I mean, how many times?"

Daniel recoiled. "God, Jack, just the once. I thought I'd die this morning, I was so ashamed of what I'd done."

"This morning? Once? Are you telling me it was only last night?"

Daniel nodded.

"Bastard! I'm gonna kill him!" Jack stalked away, his hands constantly flexing, making fists.

Daniel finally got out of the car, leaning against the hood and watching his lover, grateful that at least he was still here.

Jack turned and stared at Daniel. "I want to know everything, Daniel, every detail."

"What?" Daniel was horrified.

"Last evening, start at the beginning. Don't leave out any details."

"Jack, please no. Don't ask me to do this." _Why for god's sake, why?_

"Ask? I'm not _asking,_ Daniel. I demand that you tell me everything. I think you owe me that."

Daniel closed his eyes, accepting it was Jack's way of punishing him and he deserved no less. In a hesitant voice, he recounted how Ilya invited him to play chess and they talked as they played.

"About?" Jack asked brusquely.

"You, mostly. How we met, what work we do. I told him it was classified and he guessed maybe it was dangerous. He apologised for some of the things he said about you," Daniel smiled ruefully. "He wasn't always kind about you, said you deserted me..." He stopped then and Jack saw the dawning realisation ...the anger.

"What else?"

"He wanted to know how I felt, if I missed you." Daniel dropped his eyes, "I told him I was lonely and he said I didn't need to be."

"Next?"

"He...he...I told him I loved you but he questioned if you could love me as I'd never heard a word from you in months."

Jack was grateful Ilya wasn't around just then, if he could've got his hands on his throat...

"I was so lonely, Jack and he knew. He...he held me, made me feel wanted again. He kissed me and...and..."

"Go on," Jack said gently.

"He kissed me the way I like and touched me and I was on fire. He pushed me down on the table scattering the chess set and the vodka bottle."

Jack tensed at that. Daniel and alcohol had never been a good match and Ilya would know that. He moved closer.

Daniel was still speaking, "I opened my eyes and I saw..." He turned wondrous eyes on Jack. "I saw your eyes boring into me and I caressed your hair, shining silver in the candlelight."

Jack smiled wanly and asked, "What happened next?"

Daniel's mouth opened in a perfect 'o' as he recalled pushing Ilya away. "I told him to stop but he whispered things to me and I...I let him undress me. We lay in the cot and he told me I was beautiful -- just the way you used to."

"Did you tell him that?" Jack whispered, standing very close now.

"Yes and I...forgive me but I asked him to touch me then."

"And when he was...touching you, when you came did you call out a name?"

"No, I didn't ...in my imagination I saw you," Daniel said softly.

"You said you let him fuck you. Did you ask him to?"

Daniel stared at Jack. "I can't remember, I...maybe. He was...his fingers were inside me and I...dear god, I begged him...I wanted...to feel..."

"You wanted to feel me but he kept us apart. He wanted your body and he didn't care how he got his hands on you. You were desperate because that was what _he_ wanted. He manipulated you like a master."

"I thought I knew him, I thought he was a friend. God, Jack, what does it say about me, that I could be so easily twisted to his will."

"It says you are too trusting. It says you believe that every man is as good and honourable as you. There are more snakes in the universe than just the Goa'uld."

"So you forgive me?" Daniel asked carefully.

Jack stared at him and saw the hope, and yes the trust.

"Yes...but don't _ever_ do that again," Jack growled.

Daniel stared at him feeling something crawl in his gut. Fear...anticipation. His heart rate increased and his breath panted through his slightly parted lips.

Jack's eyes were glued to Daniel's mouth and suddenly he swooped and covered his mouth with his lips, forcing his tongue inside even as he forced Daniel back over the hood of the jeep. Daniel wrapped his arms around Jack's back feeling he had finally come home. Just the feel of his weight pressing him down, the taste of him, the scent; everything was just perfect.

Jack broke the kiss gasping for breath, staring at the dazed look in Daniel's eyes. He suddenly grabbed a handful of Daniel's jacket and pulled him along into the woods close by. Daniel stumbled along behind, a little afraid but mostly excited wondering what Jack was going to do. He'd recognised the fire banked by anger in his lover's eyes. As soon as they were far enough inside to be hidden from any prying eyes, Jack released his grip on Daniel and swung back to face him. He shoved the younger man back against a tree trunk.

As Jack pressed his full body length against him, Daniel gasped at the sensation of delicious expectation that flowed through him as he felt Jack's rock hard erection jutting into his groin. Daniel was held by the expression in his darkly glittering eyes, understanding exactly what Jack was telling him.

Jack leaned forward and kissed him again, hard. Daniel revelled in the passion, Jack's desire to possess him. He used to complain about his proclivity to be too protective, no too possessive, now he realised it was all part of the love Jack felt for him and he welcomed it with open arms. He _needed_ it.

"Yes, Jack, whatever you want, anything." He almost wanted Jack to hurt him, punish him and then perhaps he could finally forgive himself.

One of Jack's hands was busy attempting to unfasten his shirt while the other was stroking up and down the younger man's arm. Daniel's free hand was holding Jack against him sliding up his back to caress his neck and fondle the hair at his nape.

Pulling back, Jack snarled as he finally ripped the shirt in frustration at the awkward buttons. His hand caressed Daniel's chest and the young man moaned at the contact. Jack leaned in murmuring, "Mine, mine," before laving and nipping the nipples, one after the other.

Daniel slammed his head back against the tree but never felt a thing. Everything was centred on the sensations Jack was creating with his lips and tongue on his chest and his hand rubbing circles on Daniel erection through his pants. Lifting his head, Jack looked into Daniel's face to see his eyes shut tight and the sweat breaking out on his upper lip. Jack licked it off and Daniel's eyes flew open. Jack grinned at him and then suddenly dropped to his knees where he swiftly opened Daniel's pants and in one smooth movement pulled down both Daniel's pants and his boxers. Hardly giving Daniel time to react, he swallowed his cock whole.

"Jack!" he yelled as he felt the warm cavern envelope his length. Then he revelled in the feeling as Jack licked the underside along the thick vein. Then the older man carefully pulled back letting his teeth gently graze Daniel's cock. Daniel was panting and desperately trying not to thrust into Jack's mouth and sensing his difficulty, Jack placed a hand on his stomach to keep him still.

Daniel was so close; he'd wanted Jack for so long he thought the slightest touch now would make him explode.

"Jack, I'm gonna ...oh, god I can't...ohgodohgod..."

Jack held him tight as Daniel climaxed powerfully and he swallowed as much as he could, wanting to take Daniel inside him as much as he wanted to be inside Daniel.

The young man was boneless held in his lover's arms and gasping for control. Jack was peppering kisses across his face and murmuring nonsense.

"Jack, love you, love you," Daniel whispered.

"I want you, d'ya hear? You're mine and I want you to know it, to feel me so deep inside you won't know where you end and I begin."

"Oh god, Jack, yes please."

"Crap, where did I put that lube," Jack muttered scrabbling through his clothes.

"Er, you won't need anything, I'll be all right," Daniel said even as the older man found his prize.

Suddenly realising what he meant Jack growled and turned him to face the tree. Daniel held on firmly and bent his body a little presenting his buttocks to Jack. Jack brushed his hand down the younger man's spine, finally cupping his ass. With a little moan Jack backed off and quickly unfastened and removed his clothes. He quickly lubed his fingers.

He moved back behind Daniel and placed one hand around his abdomen, seeking out his nipples to tease. Jack's other hand caressed his ass for a few seconds before brushing along his cleft and searching out the entrance to his body. He circled the hole before gently thrusting in one finger. As Daniel had suggested he was not too tight and he quickly added a second finger. Daniel arched and moaned at the sensation, pushing his hips back at Jack who gave him a little slap and told him to be patient. Jack wanted him needy and he smiled as he lubed himself up carefully.

Jack murmured against Daniel's neck, "Gonna show you, ready?" he asked as he lined himself up.

"Mmmm."

Jack grinned as he pushed slowly inside taking again what had always been given freely and with love. Feeling Daniel relax and open for him he slid all the way in until his balls nestled against Daniel's ass. He wrapped his arms around Daniel's torso pulling the younger man back into his chest.

"Hang on, I'm gonna take you for a ride."

"Oh god!"

Jack pulled out and thrust back in firmly and bracing his arms Daniel tried to bend a little further forward but Jack wouldn't let him, keeping him almost upright. Pulling out again he slammed back in almost lifting Daniel from his feet.

"Jack!" he cried.

Jack just held on and steadily increased his rhythm until Daniel was shaking in his arms, panting and gasping as each time Jack slammed home he nailed Daniel's prostate.

"Ohgodohgodohgod," Daniel breathed over and over and Jack watched as the sweat dripped from his brow onto his lover's back and slid gracefully down his spine to slip off and fall onto the mossy ground beneath their feet.

Jack began to kiss and lick at Daniel's shoulder, muttering "mine" over and over until with an animalistic snarl he bit down into the tender flesh.

Daniel gasped at the sudden pain, and clamping his ass muscles around the welcome invader, he replied tensely "Always."

Jack could feel his orgasm gather, climbing up his legs and into his groin until with a guttural scream he poured himself up into his lover's body.

Daniel felt the come explode inside him and he sighed with the knowledge that Jack had again claimed what belonged to him. He felt at peace. Jack was shaking, coming down from his high and Daniel locked his arms bracing his lover's weight on his back. He smiled at the simile. All was right with his world again.

* * *

Ilya was pacing outside his tent waiting for them to return. He was angry that he had been summarily dismissed by this interloper and at the same time he was nervous. They had been gone a long while and Ilya had expected Daniel to come back before now, alone with his tail between his legs after his confession. It was only a while after they had left that he realised his own predicament if they got as far as comparing stories. Ilya could only hope Daniel's confession deflected anything else.

Just then he heard the sound of an engine and turned to see the jeep returning. Jack was driving and Daniel sat quietly in the passenger seat. The jeep didn't seem to be slowing down and Jack drove it past the parking area next to the mess tent and headed straight for Ilya.

Jack slammed the brakes on and spun the wheel so that the vehicle turned hard and came to a halt broadside to the stunned Russian. Jack opened the door and stood directly in front of Ilya.

"D'ya think we wouldn't work it out, you devious bastard?"

Ilya backed away from the fury in Jack's voice.

"Don't Jack, he's not worth it," Daniel said, hurrying round from the passenger side and putting his hand on Jack's arm pulling the angry man back.

"Jack! Major Jack O'Neill as I live and breathe."

Ilya stared at him bemused. A Major! He'd been in the army.

Jack turned at the sound of the voice, his angry expression gone in a flash to be replaced by a wide grin. "Yani, Yani Madyar!" He stalked to meet the gushing Yani and grabbed her up in hug and swung her round, catching Daniel's eye over her head. The younger man was smiling indulgently.

"He's a colonel now, Yani. Show him some respect."

Ilya perked up his ears at that; he was still a serving officer. That could prove useful.

"I assume this is your Jack," she grinned at Daniel. "I never even considered this reprobate could be the man you've been talking about. Whatever made you take up with him?"

"Good taste?" Jack joked. "God, Yani, it's good to see you looking well."

"Thanks to you," she said seriously. She turned to Daniel, saying, "Igor and I would never have survived if it hadn't been for him."

"I was only one of four men, Yani."

"You may have had a team with you but it was your plan and your bravery that saved us and I'll never forget it."

Jack waved his hand in a deprecating manner, brushing her words away. Yani took the hint and changed the subject.

"You came for your Daniel?" she asked with a smile at the younger man.

Jack's expression hardened. "Yeah. I had promised to give him six months but when I didn't hear from him I was concerned. Now I know why." He stopped seeing the two young people approaching and waited until they were within hearing range. He knew there were others working nearby too and he was sure word would get round. "Daniel and I both wrote to each other, more than once but neither of us received any mail." He looked pointedly at Ilya now. "Now, I wonder why that is," he said sarcastically.

Yani stared from one to the other. "Ah, I thought I might have interrupted something when I arrived, now I understand. Ilya always sees to the post," she said in a hard voice. "I saw Daniel put his mail in the basket more than once. What happened to them, Ilya?"

He didn't answer, simply ignored her and stared at Jack.

"I wonder how long you'll remain expedition leader when I report what..." Jack began.

"Just as I wonder, _Colonel,_ " Ilya interrupted, purposely emphasising his rank, "what your commander will do when I report your homosexual relationship with a colleague."

Jack shrugged, "You do what you have to and I'll do what I have to." Jack was aware that Daniel was just about ready to snap with tension and he calmly reached out and took his hand.

Suppressing his gasp of annoyance Ilya turned on his heel and stalked to his truck, squealing his tyres as he drove away too fast.

"Jack," Daniel began, his voice as tense as his stance as he watched the Russian disappear down the rough road, "he could be very dangerous."

"Not as dangerous as your Jack I think," Yani spoke up. "Come on, you can't make important decisions on an empty stomach. I have made my famous Irish stew and with a name like yours you can tell these others how good it is."

Daniel smiled at Yani's attempt to diffuse the situation but eating was the last thing on his mind.

"You know, I am hungry," Jack said. "Lead me to it."

As they followed behind, Daniel said quietly, "Jack, what are you going to do?"

"Eat Yani's stew and after we'll talk but believe me, I've done a lot of thinking and everything will be fine."

Daniel frowned but knew Jack was not prepared to talk yet.

They enjoyed a good meal and better company and it was finally quite late when Daniel took Jack back to his tent. They had already discussed with the others that they would leave in the morning. Jack had told Daniel that he didn't have to leave, if he wanted to stay and finish uncovering whatever was hidden in that trench. Daniel simply looked up at him from under his lashes, knowing damned well what that did to Jack and told him he no longer needed to stay.

Watching, Yani recognised there was some undercurrent between the two men and suspected the words imparted a lot more than their simple meaning to Jack if the sparkle in his eyes was anything to go by.

Once in the privacy of his tent Daniel turned to Jack and said, "What are we going to do. I know Ilya; he will carry out his threat. Unless you back off with yours that is."

"He's not getting away with what he did to you."

"It doesn't really matter, not now that you're here," Daniel said putting his arms around Jack to pull him in for a kiss but Jack put a hand on his chest to forestall him.

"He tried to destroy what's between us Daniel and I'll never forgive him for that, how the hell can you?"

"I suppose I have what's important to me," he answered running his hands up and down Jack's arms.

"You sure you don't want to stay? This was all you wanted only a few months ago."

"I know but things change. I have done nothing but think, especially the last few days and I have come to some conclusions. However, I made them with the knowledge that you wished to remain at the SGC. I need to know what you intend to do now. What if Ilya does report you, somehow?"

"You've been thinking well so have I and I came to one blinding conclusion. None of it means a damn without you. If you can't come back and work with me then I'll leave to be with you and if that sounds selfish, well so be it. They can put someone else in charge of SG1; I'm not irreplaceable to them. You are to me. For you, I will retire tomorrow. That Russian's threat means nothing to me."

Daniel smiled, "We really are a pair of fools. I decided to come back to the SGC. I realised I wasn't seeing the big picture. Each disappointment, each betrayal of what I considered important took on a larger importance. Each became a personal betrayal that I could no longer accept. However, I didn't take into account the successes, each time we showed a planet, a people that there was hope, that the Goa'uld were not all powerful. Each time we made a new ally, even if all they could offer was a promise. Each time we found new technology, new medicines, new methods of agriculture or manufacture it helped the human race. Whether on this planet or any of those where humans fight to survive, each success _has_ to be set against the failures but I was too blind to see that."

"You're coming back?" Jack asked surprised, zeroing in on what mattered to him.

"Never really had chance to tell you but I'd already decided I couldn't wait another three months to see you. And by the way, Jack O'Neill there is no way you are easily replaced on SG1. There is no one else with your experience off-world and certain of our allies hold you in high regard. Don't sell yourself short." Daniel cocked his head to one side, worrying his lower lip. "Er, how did you manage with replacing me, who did you appoint?"

"Thomas, Iverson, Oakley," Jack reeled off the names, marking them off on his fingers as he went.

Daniel laughed, "So I'm not replaceable either then?"

Jack turned serious, "Never."

"We're back to the same problem, Jack. We return to the SGC and Ilya reports you..."

"Now I know you're coming back, I'll make a deal with him. I'll keep his secret and he keeps ours. I can ruin his career as surely as he can ruin mine."

"Are you sure that'll work, I mean..."

"Daniel," Jack interrupted with an exasperated sigh. "I want to go to bed with you, don't want Ilya anywhere in here," he tapped Daniel's head. "No room in there for anyone but me."

"No," Daniel agreed and taking hold of Jack's hand moved it from his temple to his heart, "nor here either."

* * *

The next morning Jack and Daniel left the tent intending to find and talk with Ilya but he was nowhere around. Apparently he hadn't returned the night before. Yani said he did sometimes drop into one of the bars in town and if he drank too much he would stay in the hotel and appear sometime next day.

"I wasn't aware of him ever doing that," Daniel said confused.

Yani smiled, "Yeah, well he hasn't done it since you got here."

"I want to talk with him and it might be better if it took place away from here," Jack said thoughtfully. "Yani, do you know which hotel he stays in?"

"Only the best for our illustrious leader, he stays at the Majestic."

Daniel grabbed his gear and said goodbye to Alena and Piotr, thanking them for their help. Alena just blushed but Piotr said they should be thanking him, he was an excellent teacher. Next it was time to say goodbye to Yani and that involved hugs and promises to write. Jack gave her another hug and asked to be remembered to Igor.

Yani grinned, "Not sure that's wise, Igor was also jealous of you."

"Tell him he has no need," Daniel grinned, putting an arm around Jack's waist.

They finally got in the jeep and drove away.

"Okay?" Jack asked, still wary of taking Daniel away from his retreat but Daniel just smiled and nodded.

They had made love again last night in the small cot in Daniel's tent. It had been much less desperate that their coupling against a tree in that small copse but no less passionate. It had set the seal on their decision to return to the SGC.

They were approaching the bend where the cut off was and they were surprised to see flashing lights. They were forced to slow down because there had been an accident. The local police were there as was an ambulance.

"Stop!" Daniel said suddenly.

"What, what's wrong?" Jack asked, slowing to a stop.

"That's Ilya's truck," said Daniel in a strangled voice.

The skid marks were plainly visible where the vehicle had tried to take the bend too fast, the driver presumably losing control. The front of the vehicle was crumpled against the trunk of a large tree.

"You sure?"

"Look at the licence plate."

Jack looked and immediately saw what Daniel meant. The Russian had one of those personalised plates. There was no mistake, it spelled out ILYA 1.

They watched as the paramedics lifted his body onto a gurney and Daniel gasped as they spread the blanket completely over the body. The Russian was dead.

"Oh god!" Daniel murmured.

"He must have tried to drive back last night after having a drink in town. Probably decided he had enough courage by then to face us," Jack said.

"This is my fault. If I hadn't ...if he hadn't wanted me, been jealous of you..."

"If you hadn't been born...," Jack interrupted snarkily. "Daniel, you can't take responsibility for someone else's actions. Ilya made his own choices for good or bad."

Daniel was quiet, staring ahead.

Jack sighed. "Will you never learn? This is the same attitude that got you into such a state at the SGC. You can only take responsibility for what you do. If someone else acts like an asshole especially after you have warned them not to, how is it your fault? Ilya made the choice to drive back; the Pentagon decides what advice to take and what to ignore. As long as we do the best we possibly can out there we can have no regrets."

"You do know your cover is well and truly blown?" Daniel asked.

"Yeah and now I'm gonna have to shoot ya!"

Daniel's soft laugh died as the ambulance reversed in front of them and headed back to town. There was no need to switch on the siren.

"Take me home, Jack."

FIN


End file.
